Time in my mind...

I've been living differently for over a year now.  Without my Mom.  This life is so consuming.  I don't have a day that goes by where I've forgotten that she's not here anymore, it's impossible to forget.  Two days ago I grabbed the ranch dressing from the fridge and it was expired July 12.  Gwenyth asked if it was still good to eat being it was only 13 days "old."  I told her that I didn't know if it was good or not and to myself I thought that the reason why I didn't know was because I didn't have the option to call Mom and ask.  Mom knew these types of things.

Another moment in life is my 15-year high school class reunion.  I took the driver's seat to help put together a celebration for this special moment in life and as I speak to each classmate I have a memory that goes across my mind.  I can remember so many details of so many memories of those days, it's amazing.  I find that I like the feeling of just remembering and so I've been doing it quite a bit.  So much that I feel as though I'm living in my head.

This phase of my life where all I do is seek memories isn't new.  While the 15-year reunion enhances it, it's been going on since Mom passed away.  I am noticing that I crave to have that remembered time or the lost time back.  I want it so badly and so often that I am spending an excess amount of time in my mind.  Too much time, in my mind.

I'll remember how things were and what happened and then I'll focus on how if there was one different decision made and life would have taken a completely new path.  What would have happened if this...?  or if that...?  Would I do it the same if I could be there again?

The memories don't have to be of my Mom to be satisfying.  I'm finding that any memory of a time when Mom was here on this physical Earth gives me back that feeling in my heart of the normal life that I long for, the normal life with her, but can never get back.  This new normal without her is so permanent, death is permanent.

And the heartache is permanent.

I can never go back to high school and have that feeling that I can think of when I sit here and close my eyes...I see my friends, we're all laughing and smiling, we're having fun, we have everything we want in that moment (we're kids, we didn't need much) we are healthy, we have our family pets, we have opportunities to look forward to, we have no fear, we share love and desires, and we all have our Moms and Dads and nobody is sick and nobody has had to endure a loss of a baby, a sibling, a parent or emergency surgeries and we are free of so much pain....and sadness...and those little problems, those puny teeny tiny little arguments (that seemed huge at the time) I'll take back in a heartbeat so all of the other pains of mine and my friends go away.

And that's what happens in the time in my mind.

Now I know that we are all happy to have had the experiences which we have gone through and to be parents ourselves, but this measurable amount of time that I spend in my mind is like a vacation.  "Where are you going on vacation to this weekend, Anne?"  I'm going to my past.

I just can't give it up...not now, not yet.  I'm not sure if ever.  I find myself wanting to do it again.  Who's ever said that?!  High school all over again?!  This girl right here wants even just a day of high school where Mom is making me to be home by 10pm on a Saturday night.  For at least one more night and I would be so happy, this is something that I want more than anything else in this world right now. And it's impossible so I will continue to have that night in my mind.

How do I follow that?

I read my previous posts, the journey that I had during my Mom's passing.  I did get it all written down so I will never forget (and to share her love).  I'm not sure how I can follow that.  Really...

So just a little something for the day that I wanted to share.  Let's catch up real quick.  For a living, I am a sonographer aka ultrasound technologist.  It's already taking quite a toll on my body (arm/shoulder/neck pain and migraines) and let's face it, I've got many years of working ahead of me.  I decided to go back to school for management to have a back up plan.  I want to scan for as long as I can, but am open to becoming a lead sonographer, a department manager, and am especially interested in becoming an instructor.  I have other innovative ideas too, I'm pretty open-minded to anything that will allow me to continue to stay within the industry because I'm just meant to be in it.  I am in an accelerated online program which involves 2 classes for six weeks, 2 sets of six weeks back-to-back and 1 week off, then again for a total of 18 months.

Today as I receive my final grades for the 2nd set of classes (before the week break), I was really excited to see the feedback from one of my instructors.  His words really boosted my esteem in that I can do this and be successful doing it.  You see, I'm not only working on filling myself with new knowledge with this process, but I'm working on being a better Anne.  We've all got flaws and some of my own drive me bananas, some I don't realize, and all of them are what I'm working on.

A few weeks ago, I had gotten so frustrated because a post of mine on Facebook was not well-perceived and I was bad-mouthed by someone who knows me only from a time over 15 years ago.  Even when trying to clarify myself, that other person's mind was made up and that was that.  I didn't mind so much of that person's opinion of me as her opinions of most aren't of high quality so I guess I just joined the club.  Another small remark in that situation from a very close person who has known me my whole life caught me by surprise and the situation was so incredibly hurtful that such a person so close to me that I love so dearly actually believed that the misperceived side of my post was truly who I am.

I got so down over the situations and it got me to thinking.  I thought deeply about some of the mistakes I've made (things like when I sang the wrong words to a Christmas song that my cousin was leading and it made her cry), the times that I've ever been hurtful (I can have a smart mouth, usually to myself, but I've slipped or been pushed over the edge before), the "little shit" that I've been known to be (when I was little I'd spit, scream, bite and throw tantrums.  I don't even remember doing all of the things that I'm so often told of).  I've never wanted to be a horrible person and in the scheme of things, even with my mistakes, I don't think that I've ever really been "bad" ....not really.  Even so, I've changed and I am changing.  I'm 33 now, a mother of 2.  I'm raising a little girl completely afraid that she'll ever be snotty, rude, or mean and my son started saying his own version of "please" at 16-months.  Being anything but loving is not what I'm trying to live.  The way I felt, the way it seemed when a close person didn't understand me in that moment, that it made sense that there are probably so many more people just like her, still think whatever it is that they think of the spoiled youngest girl that bites and screams and throws temper tantrums who makes her cousins cry and gets in trouble because instead of sitting still she ran around and broke things.  My point being, that impression is made, it's done.  Just like the Facebook post that was misinterpreted.  The responder made up her mind and that was that.  So no matter how much I'd give to someone I love if they needed me, no matter how much I care for those in my life, no matter how many lives I touch and change, no matter how much I love my children and how many morals I raise them with... those early years of how an immature Anne behaved has left a mark and I can't do anything about it.  Our past really defines us.

Man, that was a bummer feeling and quite a crazy train of thought that I had had.  It lasted for a while too, but then I just moved on.  While it is probably true that to some people, my past defines me, my past doesn't define who I am to me.  I focus and care about is what is ahead of me.  That which is in my future and my goals.

Let's come back to today, I find that I received a final A in my "Contemporary Leadership Challenges" course.  My last submission was a 20 page paper, a "Leadership Exploration Project" where we took multiple steps to learn about ourselves.  From my instructor based on my paper and my work in the course I read,


Hi Anne,
Lots of very good reflection going on in your paper which is why we go to school in order to learn, improve, and think differently about our surroundings. I can tell you are thinking alot about your life and it will lead you to a place of success in the future. One thing I really like about you from what I have learned through your writing is that you want to improve and become a better person inside and out which is all about being a human being since we constantly strive to do better in our lives. I have to say that I am not concerned about you since you are self-aware and will meet all your goals in time just like the rest of us who are willing to learn, adapt, and become better! Most importantly, always be authentic when working with people in an informal or formal leadership role since I think it gives us the most value return in our careers! You appear to have good and clear thinking! I appreciate all your hard work this quarter. You have met the assignment guidelines/expectations.
Kevin


WOW!  How is it possible that this guy who I've never met who has only read my homework assignments knows me better than most people around me?  I mean.........wow!  It's so awesome to me.  Because I'm not looking in my past.  I'm looking in that future that he says I will reach in time and I'm pumped.  While it can make for eye-rolling reactions that my mistakes define me to others, I'm excited to make an impression on those of my future, to be a leader, a superior, a teacher and especially to be the person who I've always been, but a better and improved me.

This is it. A year ago, June 7th.

I drove back to Woodbury on June 3rd.  That night I hardly slept, I was waiting for a phone call, but never got one.  June 4th I was hesitant to get ready for work, but my phone didn't ring so I got my scrubs on and threw my hair up in my pony added a little rouge to my face so I didn't look as though I was having the worse week of my life.  Just in case, on my way to work, I called to check on Mom.  Aunt Robin was still there helping, but was going to have to leave soon and Mom was still hanging on.  So I worked and it kept me busy.  Another night that evening where I hardly slept.  I was waiting for Mom to spiritually come and say "good-bye" that night, but she didn't.  Morning came, Rory always wakes up so early, he was in the living room with Justin and I was getting another 30 minutes of sleep and my phone rang, it was Elisabeth, this is it.  She called to tell me that I should probably come back "home" that Mom's breathing has changed and Robin thought she was close.  Had somebody asked me months before what I thought my reaction would be to such a call, I'd say that I probably would freak out and drive a thousand miles per hour to get there.  For some reason, though, I felt calmness.  Dad reminded me to drive safe and not to speed.  I had a lot to get together so I sent Gwenyth to school, it was her 2nd to last day.  I sent her with a note that she was only going to be there for half a day and that she'd miss her last day of the 2nd grade because her Grandma was ill so she had to bring everything home that day.  I got all of our bags packed, showered and dressed, Rory bathed and dressed, we picked up Gwenyth and safely drove up north.

Mom's body was deteriorating, her breathing was more rattled and irregular, she didn't even open her eyes.  We talked to her, held her hand, told her that we're all going to be fine that she didn't have be strong for us anymore and it was okay to go when she's ready.  Elisabeth's cell phone was taped to the side rail of the bed and FaceTime was constantly on so that Bernadette who had gone back to Germany after Memorial Day weekend, could be next to Mom with us as well.  These were those moments where we gathered around her and prayed.  The Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be.

While sitting next to Mom I decided that I was going to head into the kitchen to do something...maybe cook, I don't remember for sure.  Without hesitation, as I stood up saying that I was going to the kitchen, as natural as any other day I said, "Alright Mamma, gimme kiss."  Mom puckered her lips.  My eyes tripled in size and I grabbed that kiss from Mom and thanked her for it.  That was the very last kiss  from my Mom to me.  I had more to give to her.

Bernadette was having a hard time so many thousands of mile away.  She wanted to fly home, but risked not being "there" without having internet connection for FaceTime during travel time.  I went to bed that night ready to be woken up by Dad to tell me she had gone, but I woke up the next morning instead.  It was quiet so I was ready to hear the news, but to my surprise, Mom was still with us, hanging on.  I checked my email and in the very early morning hours, received Bernadette's flight itinerary, her and Arthur were on their way.

Aunt Robin had to leave, she had stayed for as long as she could, but had to get back to her home and work.  I can't say enough how awesome my Aunt Robin is.  She has been amazing to our family, to the Steele family in times of need as she also cared for my Grandpa Wally in his final moments.  She is so strong, her strength and knowledge and love for my Mom will never be forgotten.

Dad didn't leave Mom's side very much at all.  He took over taking care of her.  At this point in the process we would gently position her arms and legs comfortably, kept her mouth hydrated with the pink sponges, and care for her with love.  Mom stayed consistent throughout the day, we had told her that Bernadette was on her way so we figured that she was going to wait for her to arrive.

Bernadette arrived, she was worried that she was gone, but she wasn't, she waited for her oldest.  We all gathered around.  She had us all, we prayed, said good-byes, confirmed that we'd be okay, that we'd take care of Dad.  Then we waited.

In the middle of the night, Elisabeth came and got me, Mom's breathing changed again.  We sat with her for quite some time and she wasn't ready.  I went back to sleep and so did the rest, but probably not Dad.

The next morning, June 7th, Elisabeth brought the kids to swimming lessons and decided to go to Brainerd to give Mom her space, to take a break of her own.  It was me, Bernadette, our baby boys, Dad, and Mom in the house.  It was Rory's nap time and I decided to join him, I was so tired.  I only had about an hour or so because I had to pick up the kids from swimming lessons, but it felt great.

I had a dream, it was that dream that I was waiting for, but didn't understand it completely until a time later.  In my dream I was having a dream.  The dream in the dream was that I went into Mom's room and the bed was empty, she was gone, I ran out of the room to get my sisters and I woke up from the dream's dream, but was still dreaming.  The realization that I had in my dream was that Mom sent me a message that she was gone, so, still in my dream, I got up and went to the bedroom and Mom was in her bed.  She was wearing red, her eyes were bright again and Mom smiled at me.  She got out of the bed and danced so beautifully.  She danced, like a ballerina.  I tried to talk to her, "Mom, I didn't know you could dance like that.  Did you always know how to dance like that?"  She did not reply she kept dancing and she got further away from me.  I grabbed my iPhone (still in my dream) to record her because I wanted to share with Dad and my sisters, but in real life my phone wasn't working very well and in my dream, I couldn't get it to work either and before she danced so far away that I didn't see her any more.  I woke up back in real time and Rory woke up too.  I carefully walked into Mom's bedroom (for what felt like the 3rd time in just moments because of the dream and the dream's dream) and she was there, shallow breathing, still with us.  I got dressed and ready to pick up the older kids from swimming lessons, Bernadette was on baby duty and Dad made sure that I gave mom a hug and kiss good-bye.  He knew she was getting closer to her moment.

I drove into town, Elisabeth was still gone, Bernadette was in the living room on baby duty, Dad was with Mom.  While waiting for the bus bringing the kids back, a couple friends asked how things were going and I told them that my Mom's a tough cookie, she has a strong body and she was still holding on.

The kids and I were talking on the way home, they had lots of stories to tell about their day.  I drove up the driveway and when I put the van in park, the moment was silent enough for me to hear the music that was on, I realized as I was turning off the ignition that it was ABBA.  One of Mom's favorite movies was Mamma Mia, a story that incorporates all ABBA songs.  I was helping Sonora out of the van and Bernadette stepped outside with Rory and Arthur, in tears.  It all made sense, the dream, the song, symbolic good-bye.  She was gone.  She waited for us all to be there, but the private person that Mom was, she didn't want to do it in front of her daughters.  We were all in our busiest moments and she was with her husband of 3-days shy of 40 years.  She knew what she was doing.  She knew what she was doing the whole entire time.

June 7th, one year ago today, the sun was shining, the cardinals were chirping, the butterflies were fluttering, the world was turning.  It was my Grandma Ruby's birthday (Mom's Mom), and Grandma got the absolute best gift in Heaven that day.  My Mommy.............................

Joan Kathryn Steele, irreplaceable, missed, loved, never forgotten.

Weekend #5....by the book.

Weekend #5, June first to the third.

Aunt Robin who is a nurse came to the house to help with Mom as she progressively got worse.  She volunteered to assist once we got nearer to the end, to try and keep Mom as comfortable as we could.  This weekend....was about that time and Robin's presence affirmed that.

The hospice guide booklet states that for most dying persons, activities decrease significantly in the final days and hours of life.  They speak and move less, may not respond, and show little interest in their surroundings.  They have little, if any, desire to eat or drink. (www.hospicefoundation.org)

Mom stopped doing everything.  She was no longer sitting up and writing cards, no longer talking about the wedding, no longer having conversation.  She stayed in bed and did a lot of sleeping.  She would look at us when we talked, but didn't say anything back.  This time produced the hardest memories where my heart breaks because the conversations were over, I would have no more of our Mom-talks.  Also because the mood shifted where saying final goodbyes now became appropriate.  Not just my pain in my heart, but my pain for Mom and seeing her pain was difficult.  Hearing her calling for her parents, as she did when she was a child, "Mom? Daddy?"  Seeing her physical discomfort and wanting to take it away for her.  It hurt her to be moved so this was the last time that we changed her shirt and did the daily routine of changing sheets, etc.  The sound of her breathing had a slight rattle, I remember this sound when my Grandma Ruby was ill and before she passed.  We all were prepared that this was the real beginning of the end.  The book says that this process can last for weeks, days or hours.

Mom wasn't quite there yet, she was able to eat ice-cream or sherbert, but we had to feed it to her.  She loved the taste and would say, "Mmmmmmmmm, yummy yummy yummy!"  This put a smile on my face as I fed Mom because it felt so good to give her this satisfying moment.  I know very well that glorious feeling on my tongue when having a yummy bowl of ice-cream as well, Mmmmmmm.

"As death draws near, the signs may worsen.  Your loved one may experience a burst of energy, during which she might even want to talk to loved ones or eat a meal.  Sometimes, people are conscious for a long time, and death comes suddenly.  Other times, people may be unconscious and slowly slip away." (takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/conditions/end-life-and-hospice-care)

Later in the weekend the signs did worsen right in front of me.  She hadn't changed so much while I was there in the previous weekends.  I was alone in the bedroom with Mom and held her hand.  I started saying anything else that I knew I had to tell her.  I poured my heart to her and told her that I was afraid for her, that I loved her so much, that I am so thankful for having her in my life, and so much more.  Mom looked at me with cloudy sad, sick eyes and I paused and asked, "you don't like hearing talk like this, do you Mamma?" She nodded her head "no" and if she had had enough moisture, I believe she would have had a tear in her eye.  I apologized and told her that I just had to make sure she knew how much I enormously loved her that I love her so so so so much.  I told her that I didn't like it either, that I was scared, and I didn't want to have any regrets or forget to say anything to her before I couldn't ever again.  Then I cried and snuggled up as close to her as I could get.

Later, a family member and good friend, Kathy Tramm, came to visit Mom with a beautiful vase of red flowers.  Kathy was battling breast cancer and was one of the few people that Mom spent time with.   They would go to the casino together or drink coffee together and talk.  The whole day Mom was silent, nothing more than the head nod was all I had gotten.  I was sitting next to Mom, holding her hand and Kathy walked into the room with those flowers and Mom opened her eyes, smiled big as can be and exclaimed a warm welcome to Kathy.  I can't remember exactly what she said because I was so caught off guard that Mom even talked, when I didn't think she could anymore!  She said something like, "now THERE'S a fun woman!"  I left Mom to Kathy and they had a wonderful time together.  This was Mom's burst of energy.  ...and yet another lesson.  Kathy and Mom may have gotten in deep conversations, we don't know, that's for them to share, but mostly it was all positive talk, again, what Mom thrived on, what Mom taught us and it was only right that her burst of energy came in that positive and beautiful moment between long-time friends.  I thank Kathy for her visit that day.  We all loved seeing Mom in that moment after she had been so distant.  This will never be forgotten and we pray for Kathy today as she continues to recover in her own battle.

Outside Mom's window were beautiful flowering shrubs and lilacs and an unforgettable butterfly.  There were butterflies all over outside, but there was one particular one that seemed to keep visiting.  These signs and symbols that surrounded Mom brought us all some peace in this difficult and scary time.

The weekend's goal was to keep her comfortable, was to just love her up in these final moments.  The weekend came to an end and Mom was still with us.  I debated if I should go back this time, I didn't want to miss it, but after the burst of energy, I was confused.  Do we still have a week?  Wait, the book says 24 hours?  Or will it be tonight?  While Mom was spot on with the signs that the book described, the book doesn't give us the exact day, I was so unsure.  I left every weekend feeling satisfied that Mom knew and understood my love for her, she knew that she had my support and I thanked her for all of her.  I chose to leave on Sunday with the plan that Elisabeth would call me when Mom started showing the signs (as described in the book) of the end.

Weekend #4...getting closer

Weekend #4 of hospice was May twenty-fifth to the twenty-eighth (a long weekend because of Memorial Day).  I only visited on the weekends because I had to work.  I didn't end up taking short-term leave from work or anything because Dad and Elisabeth were at home with Mom.  There were constant visitors and family such as cousin Nico or my Dad's siblings who were so helpful and kept bringing food for Dad and Elisabeth, helped clean the house, and offered themselves where ever and when ever needed.  There were also hospice nurses who would visit the house.  One of them, Jenny, I also went to high school with.  Mom was her first patient as a hospice nurse.  I am so grateful for the strength, respect, and privacy that Jenny gave to my family.  I imagine that when she first saw Mom's name as her first patient that reality struck...working in her hometown meant she was going to care for people that she already knows...some very well.  And Jenny handled it so professionally.  I thank her for all of her care.  I wasn't at the house enough to get to know the other nurse well as Elisabeth did, but she was a wonderful person too and took very good care of Mom.

When I got to the house on Fridays, I wasn't necessarily surprised at what was happening, Elisabeth kept me up to date and we talked on the phone multiple times/day.  That house phone rang all the time. That week, I was given the heads up that Mom wasn't really leaving her bedroom much anymore, medical regressions and concerns and changes of what happens to the body was happening.  Being knowledgeable of what was going on didn't ease the pain that I felt inside that would overwhelm me when I got there and saw it with my own eyes.  Every time I'd walk into her room, I saw a difference in her.  She was looking like her Mom, her eyes cloudy, and different.

While Mom was in bed, she was in good spirits.  She was so excited to show me what she had done over the week to help for the wedding.  I guess she stayed busy with thinking about the wedding that whole week.  She really became concerned over my tears and my concerns that I had shared with her the previous weekend.  I walked in the house on Friday and was immediately sent into the bedroom to sit with Mom.  She smiled so big when she saw me.  I can see her smile.  She directed me to grab her red bag and her black bag and another bad and inside the bags in zip-lock baggies she had jewelry picked out, make-up, tissues, her camera (with the instruction booklet, which made me giggle), she even had undies picked out.  The undies weren't for me, they were for her.  We went through every bad and picked out which necklace she wanted to wear, and showed me some pretty earrings that she had gotten as a gift from Darlene (Darlene is the step-mother to my brother-in-law, Shawn).  She absolutely loved those earrings and thought that they would be perfect for the wedding for herself.  She found a pair of earrings for me to wear as well.  I didn't plan on wearing a necklace and she had an old bracelet that was my Grandma Ruby's that I would wear just like my sisters did at their weddings.  We went through bags and bags of makeup that she had collected over the years from gift events with Lancome or Clinique.  We found eye shadow that reminded us both of Bernadette and thought that she would like.  We found an eye shadow that we picked out for me to wear too.  I tried on lipsticks until we found the right one.  Mom was so excited to get ready with us girls and was so giddy as we went through all of her things.  She made me giggle when she told me where to put everything so that I would find it easily, she told me to protect it from Elisabeth and Dad, that they kept moving things on her and she didn't want them to do that with these items.  It felt so good to do this with my Mom just weeks before my wedding.  She was able to dress shop with me, but missed my bridal shower because of her illness.  My wedding was pretty simple so there wasn't much else where Mom would be involved...this time that we had together was it.  It was that Mother/Daughter moment before the wedding...only it wasn't happening the day of the wedding all dressed up and nervous and excited, it was that moment that we were having right then and there, while she was still able.  I don't care if it was months before the wedding, Mom made it complete...the nurse told her to concentrate on herself that week, to relax and to be peaceful, but Mom's peace was to have this moment with me and so she was busy getting everything ready for my visit.  Every detail of that moment, the Mom-style organization in the baggies topped it off and I loved it.  In this time, I don't know how to explain it, but I knew, really knew, that Mom wasn't going to be there at my wedding physically.  She mentioned that she thought that it was within the next week and I had to tell her that it was another 3 weeks past that...she was saddened, as if she knew that what I told her was just too far away.  There is one moment that I'll never forget and I don't know the context of the conversation, I forgot almost immediately the rest of the sentence, actually, because the only thing that I remember is that Mom at some point said, "..and when you look up at me from the alter..." That's when I realized that Mom knew even better than me that she wasn't going to be physically present on my wedding day.

That weekend I also brought Mom's dress that she was planning on wearing for my wedding from the dry cleaners.  She was so excited to see how clean it was.  It was her favorite dress that she ever had and she was so excited to fit in it again.  Oh she smiled so big.  I surprised her with my dress too. Bernadette and Elisabeth put on their dresses, I put on mine and we all gathered around Mom.  I used the daisies that Mom wore on her wedding on the sash that was tied around my waste.  I put on my veil and everything.  Dad was allowed to see us all too.  It was such a moment in time to hold onto, to remember forever.  The five of us, Mom, Dad, Bernadette, Elisabeth and myself.........................

It was hard to leave Mom alone.  I wanted to sit with her constantly, but she was keeping busy with writing cards.  She had a whole stack of birthday cards, thank you cards, just all sorts of occasional cards and Mom was busy filling them out for those she loved.

In the moments that Mom was keeping busy or doing a lot of resting, we were following a guide book that was given to us when hospice began.  Since Bernadette was home, there were final decisions that had to be made about Mom's "Celebration."  Mom didn't say words like death or funeral, she didn't talk about "when she's gone..."  Mom called her big day, her "Celebration."  She asked her visitors when they came, to pick out a song to be played at her celebration.  And that's all she wanted to discuss in those moments.  We made plans, appointed duties, and tended to Mom for the weekend.

And just like the weekends before, this one came and went too fast.  Mom was different every time I visited and I the fear of leaving wasn't just if I'd see her again, but how I'd see her next time.

It's coming...weekend 3.

My insides have been uneasy for the last week or two because the 1st year of so many painful first moments without her is almost complete.  Mom probably wouldn't want me to be so miserable without her, but I have been and I am.  I can cry just as hard today as I did a year ago...

I began a journey and I have so much more to share.  I'm going back to those last three weekends and those final days.

Weekend #3 landed in the middle of May, the eighteenth to the twentieth.  So much happened on this weekend.  Changes in Mom were happening even faster than the first two weeks.  Mom was thinning out, looking more sick, and she was mixing things up in her head and words were escaping her.  Mom had a super vocabulary, she did crossword puzzles every Sunday from the Minneapolis Star Tribune.  Mom would sometimes stare off over our shoulders as if she were looking at something or some one else.  She told us of dreams with her cousins and that they gave her a ride behind their snowmobile.  But she didn't go away with them...she was still with us.

Mom's room was decorated with homemade cards from all of her grandkids, cards and letters from family and friends, prayers, beautiful flowers, and chairs positioned around her bed for family and friends to spend time with her.  Saturday morning Elisabeth and I went in her room to get ready for the day and she was super excited for her very good friend, Paul, to visit.  My whole entire life and I'd never met Paul, heard of Paul, I didn't even know that Mom had a best friend, Paul, at all.  I was learning so much about Mom in this time and I even felt out of place sometimes because, being her daughter, I thought that these are maybe some things that I should have known about.....shouldn't have I?  Mom was a very private person and didn't tell many stories of her past so I was able to get over these uncomfortable new discoveries pretty easily and found the excitement to hear stories that were never told before.

We were out in the kitchen/dining room and Mom was so giddy waiting for Paul.  We got a phone call and other friends wanted to visit Mom that day too and we told them sure, that we'd love to have them.  Mom was not so happy with the newly invited guests.  She was so concerned that these other visitors would ruin her time with Paul.  I didn't know what to do, I didn't want my Mom to feel so sad.  We offered to cancel, but she didn't want those less-exciting visitors to be turned away.  Until Paul arrived, Mom was visibly bumming out.  This was new...it bummed me out too.

Her "down" attitude that I hadn't seen...ever...turned upside down when Paul arrived.  This fun, loud, flamboyant man sat down with Mom at the kitchen table and they laughed and told stories and made the whole house lighten up.  No wonder this was a best friend of Mom's.  It is a great lesson and true that it's not the quantity of friends that you have, it's the quality and Mom and Paul had that with each other.  We catered to Paul and his friend to keep them comfortable and to keep up the good company.  I didn't want it to end, I wished that Paul had come to visit my whole life, that I would have been able to meet him sooner.  Mom had a great time.  I can close my eyes as I write this and feel the smile and still smile as I think back to how I watched my Mom laugh and have a good time.  I imagine she had great times like this when she was in her twenties, getting her hair done by Paul.  He tried all of the new styles with Mom, she'd let him do anything, she was fun, open-minded, and a blast to have as a friend.  Paul had to get going and the "other" company came.  Mom hardly talked.  It wasn't that she didn't like the company, it just wasn't the company that she wanted.  Too serious, too many questions, not enough fun and laughter that was what Mom wanted to be surrounded by.  They didn't stay too long, Mom was tired and it was an easy way to excuse herself...I didn't blame her.  I preferred Paul's company too.  I was learning this constant lesson from Mom that before she was so sick, it used to be so subtle, but with everything going on, her filter was gone.  Mom loved positivity and life, livelihood, comes from the positive, not the negative.

Sunday, Mom was sitting in her wheel chair in the kitchen.  I stood behind her and bent over to give her a hug around her shoulders.  She gave me a satisfied sigh...the type that lets you know that your touch feels so good.  I squeezed her and held her and I knew my Mom more than I had on Friday of that same weekend.  That moment I will hold on to in my heart forever.

After a beautiful moment of silence, I wanted to let Mom know that I was so sorry for being her little stinker.  See, I wasn't the easiest child of me and my sisters.  I don't remember that I ever purposefully wanted to upset my family or ever wanting to hurt my Mom and her feelings.  I don't remember ever doing it, but when I was little, I wouldn't let anyone but my Mom hold me, I bit, spit, screamed, and threw temper tantrums.  I hear the stories and they haunt me to this day...as if I did it on purpose and I still have the stigma.  It's quite exhausting coming from everyone else, really it is, but Mom...she never held it against me.  Despite being her little stinker and needing to send me with Grandma Ruby for a break, Mom loved me so much.  She strived to educate me, keep me happy, let me have fun, and sometimes I heard a story, she left it to those early years and didn't let it define who I'd become.  While I was standing there, I remembered the story about my 5th birthday party.  It was beautiful April weather and Mom had a party planned for me.  We woke up the morning of the 28th and the ground was snow-covered.  I cried.  I don't remember this...at all.  Being a mother and knowing how bad my heart hurts when I can't make things right for Gwenyth, I knew how bad Mom felt that April morning.  So, standing behind her, I told her that I was sorry for crying on my 5th birthday and that I know that she did all that she could and that I appreciate her and all that she did for me.  I remember in the 7th grade that I had a dentist appointment on a game-day for volleyball.  Mom drove so fast to try to get me there on time.  We got there just in time to play for a few serves.  I was so bummed out, but remember feeling bad for being frustrated...I knew that Mom did everything she could for me that day.  I thanked her for that moment too.  I apologized for any moment that it seemed like I didn't notice, but I did and I remember them.  She grabbed my hand that was holding her, rubbed it and gave it a squeeze.  She gave me a smile and she landed her head on mine.  Love....and love is all I felt.

Leaving that day was hard.  There was so much to take in plus...my wedding was coming up and I had so much still to do.  I didn't want Mom to worry about my wedding, I didn't even know if Mom would be at my wedding, I didn't know if she'd be there next weekend.  Previous "good-byes" were more private, this time Mom was out and about in her wheel chair and I fell apart in tears.  The tears were of fear.  Mom asked me what was wrong.  HA!  I wanted to say, "Mom, you're dying!  That's what's wrong!"  But I didn't want to be one of those downer types of people.  We had just had a beautiful weekend of laughter (don't ruin it, Anne, I thought to myself).  I had just apologized for all the times that Mom felt bad for the things that she couldn't control and I didn't want her to know that her sickness was the cause of my sadness.  I told her that I was overwhelmed with the planning of the wedding.  Well, kids in the car, AC running, Mom made me go to the table with her and a marker and paper in hand.  With red marker, she jotted down the left over things that needed to be done, helped me find easy solutions and said to me, "now dry those tears."  It was very hard to dry my tears because here my Mommy is so sick and again, it's one of her daughters that she is taking care of.  It was me this time and no matter whose wedding was coming up, Mom would have treated all of us the same.  Well I found the strength to stop crying to give her hugs and walk out of her sight to Dad where I hugged him and started crying all over again.

I made it to the car with my Mom's list in hand.  I looked at it for the first time, it didn't make much sense, but it didn't matter, I felt it...Love.  I drove away that Sunday, again in the opposite direction that I wanted to be.  I left with more fear than the first weekend, more fear than the second weekend, that this was my last weekend with Mom.

Facebook in Heaven

I had a really enjoyable Mother's Day today.  It was wonderful to get to relax, play, and enjoy real quality family time.  In the back of my head I was working up what I was feeling, what I had to say to my Mom for the day.  I'm thankful that I had the strength to enjoy Gwenyth and Rory, it wouldn't be fair to them if I didn't.

This early evening after all of my special events that were planned out for me from breakfast to singing, flowers to crafts, and art projects to a picnic, I was able to sit down and say something special to my Mom.

I hopped online and sent her the message on Facebook.  For a few moments while typing, I asked myself if I really thought that Mom was checking her Facebook from Heaven.  Well...not exactly, I guess.  So why did I post on her board, why did I repost on my own?  I'm no psychologist so I can't tell you what's going on inside my head, but I find myself doing it because it feels good in my heart.  I mean, why do I spend my time blogging about her?  Or about anthing else that I say out loud?  Because for years, since the 6th grade at least, I've found my outlet in writing.  I write privately too, but to shout it out on the rooftops the immense love that I have for my Mom is nothing that I want to keep from my family and friends.  So while some people may wonder why people who've lost someone do shout-outs on forums, blogs, Facebook, it's because it feels good inside us and hopefully our words can help someone else feel good inside them.  I hope that sharing my feelings of love will help spread love, spread the love that my Mom had and that she taught me.

And today this is what I had to share:

Hiya Mamma. Justin and the kids went all out for me today to celebrate Mother's Day. I got to sleep in for a bit, Gwenyth gently woke me up and asked if Rory could come into the bedroom, of course. So Rory came marching in with his performing hat on and playing his plastic coffee canister "drum" using a sand shovel to bang on it all while singing as loud as he can. It was a perfect way to get out of bed. I remember how you got me out of bed, "Daylight in the swamp!" or your singing, "Good morning, good morning, to you!" ...okay okay, so if that didn't work I got a good ol', "Anne Kathryn!" I don't forget you waking me up because I was quite the one to sleep in so you did it....A LOT. So I came out into the living room where Gwenyth sang a song that she wrote especially for me, it was beautiful. Then I got to open all of these perfect handmade cards and crafts from both Gwenyth and Rory. Gwenyth brought her at-school project ideas home for Rory to do for me, she's such a mother in the making herself. She made me a card, wrote beautifully for me (I cried), and I opened a pretty pansy plant in a Gwenyth-decorated flower pot. I remembered the sunshine that I made for you in about the 3rd grade...you had it hanging over the kitchen sink in Isanti for a long time. As she gave me her perfect crafts and art projects, I remembered so many of the things that I made for you and I know that I put all of my heart in them. I'm not nearly as talented as Gwenyth is so it sure means a lot knowing that you still loved my mediocre art. Justin topped off the morning with roses from him, tulips from the kids, bacon and homemade pancakes, your recipe, the best! We had a picnic too. What a beautiful day that I got to spend with my family. I miss you so much too. I remember last Mother's Day very well and we knew it was our last one with you. It breaks my heart that I don't get to see you this year for the special day where I celebrate you, my Mom. This is the last official holiday of "firsts" without you and every single one of them has been hard, very hard. I don't miss you any less and even without you here, I love you more every day. Happy Mother's Day, Mommy. xoxoxo

Her Baby

"You'll always be my baby."

Weekend #2 May 11, 12, and 13th including Mother's Day.  Mom said to me, "You'll always be my baby."  All the other times she said or treated me this way, I was 7, 13, 19, 21, 24 yrs-old and before after and in between....and all of those other times I was ready to be considered something, anything, other than the baby.  This time, I loved hearing it.

I don't remember much of that weekend.  I've gone and waited too long to continue the journey like I had planned.  I've been tired.  Today I checked the results of my blood work for thyroid function and from 4 months ago to today, I've gone from normal to now diagnosed with hypothyroidism.  Well, that makes sense as I'm symptomatic (you can google if you don't already know).  Not that I'm glad that like my Mom and sisters, my endocrine system is putzy, but I am glad to know that there's been a good reason for everything else going on and meds can help.  Anyways...I took notes to help me remember as little things came to mind.  "You'll always be my baby," though, I didn't need a note for that.  I'll never forget that.

What I do remember is that we were all there; Bernadette, John, Elisabeth, Shawn, me, Dad and all of the kids...Justin was able to visit too, but for a short time as he had to work.  Changes were happening and faster than what I had expected.  It was nice to see that Mom stopped wearing her wig and went al natural, well almost, cousin Nico added a little color.  She had soft baby hair that had grown back since the chemo, not as thick and healthy as she had, but it was more comfortable to be without a wig or cap and we wanted her to be comfortable.  She was thinning out, but still looked like herself.  It was beginning to become more difficult for Mom to get around and medical equipment started coming into the house.  Mom was a little less herself with being on meds (so many meds in this process) and well...going through those changes that the body does in such a situation.  Things were set up like in a clinic, like a nurses station.  With Elisabeth in control of the care-giving, you know that it was organized and done, as Dad says, "proper."  I took lots of pictures that weekend of Mom and the kids and with us girls and with Dad and the babies and cousins together.  We cooked an amazing noon dinner on Sunday, including mashed potatoes and gravy (of course).  This was the last dinner that I got to sit at the table and eat with Mom.

That time of my visit had come, the end of the weekend, the farewell that I dreaded.  She was so sure that we'd see each other again and I was not.  I said, "I'll see you next weekend, right?"  She responded in surprised tone in that I was going to visit again, after two weekends in a row.  It was during our goodbyes and I couldn't help but to drag it out as I had the previous weekend and then I cried.  I was so afraid to leave this time because there had been so many changes and I was afraid...so afraid.  I was afraid that this goodbye would be the last.  Again, my tears were met with Mom's warm hug, oh she made you feel so good with her hugs, sincere and loving hugs.  I wished her a Happy Mother's Day and she said, "You'll always be my baby."  In that moment those words traveled through me so differently than ever before.  I was so glad that I was her baby.  I wanted to be her baby.  From that moment through the end and in many moments since, I've longed to be her newborn, her 7, 13, 19, 21, 24.......yr-old baby.  For so long I tried to escape being the baby and now it's all I want.  Any baby of hers as long as I can be in her arms again.

She is-

I have lots to say still about so many moments with my mother and I'm going to do better at blogging this year.  Better than last year is my goal.  ;-)  This should be easy for me.  Tonight, though, I have a different thought to put in writing.

Every once in a while I get phone calls from Gwenyth's biological father.  The longest break from hearing from him was for about 2 years; when Gwenyth was 3 or so.  I thought that I'd never hear from him again.  But I did and I have plenty of times since.  Until Justin adopts Gwenyth, he still has rights and should have the ability to contact us, so the writing goes.  He usually doesn't have much to say...mostly he doesn't want to pay child support.  I never expect the court-ordered $50/month, nor do I ever see it...well, maybe $6 here or $17 there.  This time, though, he sounded different.  He B.S-ed for a while and I finally asked him what was going on.  I asked about his parents (knowing that his Dad was getting pretty old) and that was exactly "it."  His Dad had passed away a couple of weeks ago.  He knew that my Mom had passed and I knew his Dad...so maybe this is what he wanted to talk about??  My heart was sad for him that out of all the people in his life, that me, his displaced "baby-mamma" is who he had to reach out to.  I've never really felt bad for him...his path is what he chose for himself with the decisions that he made, but he didn't decide for his Dad to pass away.  So I felt sadness.

He talked about the final few months of his Dad who was in his 80's or possibly even his 90's.  He was a healthy man for his age, but had had a stroke and wasn't brought to the hospital right away and it all went down hill from there.  He was able to visit him often in the nursing home and although his Dad was confused as to where he was, he appreciated his son's company and the food that he brought him.  I took a turn and told him the one story that I had for him about his Dad and it made him laugh in acknowledgement that it sounded just like him.

The conversation was different.  I can't say that I enjoyed it, but I can't say that I didn't.  I knew who this person was...a 30-something kid who lost a parent...it was me a few months back.  Lost, sad, confused, mad, astonished, not knowing what was next, not knowing what to do next.

The topic shifted and he apologized for the past.  Then he had to get off the phone.  He called back when it was family/dinner time so I concluded the conversation and told him I was sorry about his Dad and then it was over.

He texted later, asked about Gwenyth, I sent him an updated picture.  He responded that it made him cry.  ...he came to realization that he didn't even know her.  This was his decision, though, and absolutely his loss.  I'd cry too if I didn't know her because she's so much to me and I'm the luckiest person in the world to have her in my life.  So I got to thinking of who she is.  And this is what I came up with (plus so much more)-

Gwenyth Isis is-

She is my daughter.

She is my heart.

She is more like my oldest sister than me at times.  Reserved.  I don’t understand it, really...how did that happen?  She’s an outgoing person when comfortable with us, then shy and passive around others.  Maybe that’s like...him......

She loves to sing and dance.  She has good pitch and with some lessons will be a good singer.  Her dancing is a little awkward…again, how did that happen?

She knows more musicals than the average adult.  She knows all the songs to the musicals too.

She’s not into sports like I thought she would be (yet).  Swimming she likes.  She cheers for the Vikings.

She is a hard worker and always a good helper.  She always helps Grampa in the garden and around the yard up north…she often works for a fee :-) .

She is an artist.  Her drawing amazes me.

She loves to knit and is excited to learn how to sew.

She is an entrepreneur.  She has great ideas to sell her art-work and she is willing to work to make a buck.

She is a saver.  She saved all of her money from all birthdays for the longest time.  Her original plan was to save for a car, but once she was interested in gadgets, her focus switched.  She has purchased an iPod (w/a little help) and even her own computer.  She was able to afford a computer because she asked for gift cards for her birthday and nothing else.  

She is very driven.

She has a big heart.

She is a very  good, no…AMAZING big sister, the best.

She can get an attitude…but what little girl doesn’t.  The attitude only shows up really when she is tired or simply needs a change of scenery.

She isn’t the most popular girl, but I don’t expect or want her to be.  We've learned that little popular girls in the 3rd grade = mean/judgemental and everything that Gwenyth is not (everything that I don't want her to be).

She is so smart.  Not the top in her class, but she could be.  When she gets things wrong on her school work, it’s not because she doesn’t know how to do it, it’s because she goes too fast or doesn’t read all the directions or misses a step.  Math is her forte…she loves to read.

She is my everything.  She saved me.

She made me strong.

She changed me.  I was tough before her and tried to be strong or pretended to be strong….but she….she is what really made me strong.

She changed me.

She is why I succeeded in school and in my career.

She gave me life.  A goal.  A reason.

Our own lives should be reason enough, right?  Well, they should be, but until her...honestly...that wasn’t true for me.  She helped me learn that my life is reason enough and I have even more reason with her in it.

And then, before I knew it…My life went from 2 reasons to 4!

4 amazing and wonderful people, our modern family.

Because of - Gwenyth Isis.