Aunt Robin who is a nurse came to the house to help with Mom as she progressively got worse. She volunteered to assist once we got nearer to the end, to try and keep Mom as comfortable as we could. This weekend....was about that time and Robin's presence affirmed that.
The hospice guide booklet states that for most dying persons, activities decrease significantly in the final days and hours of life. They speak and move less, may not respond, and show little interest in their surroundings. They have little, if any, desire to eat or drink. (www.hospicefoundation.org)
Mom stopped doing everything. She was no longer sitting up and writing cards, no longer talking about the wedding, no longer having conversation. She stayed in bed and did a lot of sleeping. She would look at us when we talked, but didn't say anything back. This time produced the hardest memories where my heart breaks because the conversations were over, I would have no more of our Mom-talks. Also because the mood shifted where saying final goodbyes now became appropriate. Not just my pain in my heart, but my pain for Mom and seeing her pain was difficult. Hearing her calling for her parents, as she did when she was a child, "Mom? Daddy?" Seeing her physical discomfort and wanting to take it away for her. It hurt her to be moved so this was the last time that we changed her shirt and did the daily routine of changing sheets, etc. The sound of her breathing had a slight rattle, I remember this sound when my Grandma Ruby was ill and before she passed. We all were prepared that this was the real beginning of the end. The book says that this process can last for weeks, days or hours.
Mom wasn't quite there yet, she was able to eat ice-cream or sherbert, but we had to feed it to her. She loved the taste and would say, "Mmmmmmmmm, yummy yummy yummy!" This put a smile on my face as I fed Mom because it felt so good to give her this satisfying moment. I know very well that glorious feeling on my tongue when having a yummy bowl of ice-cream as well, Mmmmmmm.
"As death draws near, the signs may worsen. Your loved one may experience a burst of energy, during which she might even want to talk to loved ones or eat a meal. Sometimes, people are conscious for a long time, and death comes suddenly. Other times, people may be unconscious and slowly slip away." (takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/conditions/end-life-and-hospice-care)
Later in the weekend the signs did worsen right in front of me. She hadn't changed so much while I was there in the previous weekends. I was alone in the bedroom with Mom and held her hand. I started saying anything else that I knew I had to tell her. I poured my heart to her and told her that I was afraid for her, that I loved her so much, that I am so thankful for having her in my life, and so much more. Mom looked at me with cloudy sad, sick eyes and I paused and asked, "you don't like hearing talk like this, do you Mamma?" She nodded her head "no" and if she had had enough moisture, I believe she would have had a tear in her eye. I apologized and told her that I just had to make sure she knew how much I enormously loved her that I love her so so so so much. I told her that I didn't like it either, that I was scared, and I didn't want to have any regrets or forget to say anything to her before I couldn't ever again. Then I cried and snuggled up as close to her as I could get.
Later, a family member and good friend, Kathy Tramm, came to visit Mom with a beautiful vase of red flowers. Kathy was battling breast cancer and was one of the few people that Mom spent time with. They would go to the casino together or drink coffee together and talk. The whole day Mom was silent, nothing more than the head nod was all I had gotten. I was sitting next to Mom, holding her hand and Kathy walked into the room with those flowers and Mom opened her eyes, smiled big as can be and exclaimed a warm welcome to Kathy. I can't remember exactly what she said because I was so caught off guard that Mom even talked, when I didn't think she could anymore! She said something like, "now THERE'S a fun woman!" I left Mom to Kathy and they had a wonderful time together. This was Mom's burst of energy. ...and yet another lesson. Kathy and Mom may have gotten in deep conversations, we don't know, that's for them to share, but mostly it was all positive talk, again, what Mom thrived on, what Mom taught us and it was only right that her burst of energy came in that positive and beautiful moment between long-time friends. I thank Kathy for her visit that day. We all loved seeing Mom in that moment after she had been so distant. This will never be forgotten and we pray for Kathy today as she continues to recover in her own battle.
Outside Mom's window were beautiful flowering shrubs and lilacs and an unforgettable butterfly. There were butterflies all over outside, but there was one particular one that seemed to keep visiting. These signs and symbols that surrounded Mom brought us all some peace in this difficult and scary time.
The weekend's goal was to keep her comfortable, was to just love her up in these final moments. The weekend came to an end and Mom was still with us. I debated if I should go back this time, I didn't want to miss it, but after the burst of energy, I was confused. Do we still have a week? Wait, the book says 24 hours? Or will it be tonight? While Mom was spot on with the signs that the book described, the book doesn't give us the exact day, I was so unsure. I left every weekend feeling satisfied that Mom knew and understood my love for her, she knew that she had my support and I thanked her for all of her. I chose to leave on Sunday with the plan that Elisabeth would call me when Mom started showing the signs (as described in the book) of the end.
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