How do I follow that?

I read my previous posts, the journey that I had during my Mom's passing.  I did get it all written down so I will never forget (and to share her love).  I'm not sure how I can follow that.  Really...

So just a little something for the day that I wanted to share.  Let's catch up real quick.  For a living, I am a sonographer aka ultrasound technologist.  It's already taking quite a toll on my body (arm/shoulder/neck pain and migraines) and let's face it, I've got many years of working ahead of me.  I decided to go back to school for management to have a back up plan.  I want to scan for as long as I can, but am open to becoming a lead sonographer, a department manager, and am especially interested in becoming an instructor.  I have other innovative ideas too, I'm pretty open-minded to anything that will allow me to continue to stay within the industry because I'm just meant to be in it.  I am in an accelerated online program which involves 2 classes for six weeks, 2 sets of six weeks back-to-back and 1 week off, then again for a total of 18 months.

Today as I receive my final grades for the 2nd set of classes (before the week break), I was really excited to see the feedback from one of my instructors.  His words really boosted my esteem in that I can do this and be successful doing it.  You see, I'm not only working on filling myself with new knowledge with this process, but I'm working on being a better Anne.  We've all got flaws and some of my own drive me bananas, some I don't realize, and all of them are what I'm working on.

A few weeks ago, I had gotten so frustrated because a post of mine on Facebook was not well-perceived and I was bad-mouthed by someone who knows me only from a time over 15 years ago.  Even when trying to clarify myself, that other person's mind was made up and that was that.  I didn't mind so much of that person's opinion of me as her opinions of most aren't of high quality so I guess I just joined the club.  Another small remark in that situation from a very close person who has known me my whole life caught me by surprise and the situation was so incredibly hurtful that such a person so close to me that I love so dearly actually believed that the misperceived side of my post was truly who I am.

I got so down over the situations and it got me to thinking.  I thought deeply about some of the mistakes I've made (things like when I sang the wrong words to a Christmas song that my cousin was leading and it made her cry), the times that I've ever been hurtful (I can have a smart mouth, usually to myself, but I've slipped or been pushed over the edge before), the "little shit" that I've been known to be (when I was little I'd spit, scream, bite and throw tantrums.  I don't even remember doing all of the things that I'm so often told of).  I've never wanted to be a horrible person and in the scheme of things, even with my mistakes, I don't think that I've ever really been "bad" ....not really.  Even so, I've changed and I am changing.  I'm 33 now, a mother of 2.  I'm raising a little girl completely afraid that she'll ever be snotty, rude, or mean and my son started saying his own version of "please" at 16-months.  Being anything but loving is not what I'm trying to live.  The way I felt, the way it seemed when a close person didn't understand me in that moment, that it made sense that there are probably so many more people just like her, still think whatever it is that they think of the spoiled youngest girl that bites and screams and throws temper tantrums who makes her cousins cry and gets in trouble because instead of sitting still she ran around and broke things.  My point being, that impression is made, it's done.  Just like the Facebook post that was misinterpreted.  The responder made up her mind and that was that.  So no matter how much I'd give to someone I love if they needed me, no matter how much I care for those in my life, no matter how many lives I touch and change, no matter how much I love my children and how many morals I raise them with... those early years of how an immature Anne behaved has left a mark and I can't do anything about it.  Our past really defines us.

Man, that was a bummer feeling and quite a crazy train of thought that I had had.  It lasted for a while too, but then I just moved on.  While it is probably true that to some people, my past defines me, my past doesn't define who I am to me.  I focus and care about is what is ahead of me.  That which is in my future and my goals.

Let's come back to today, I find that I received a final A in my "Contemporary Leadership Challenges" course.  My last submission was a 20 page paper, a "Leadership Exploration Project" where we took multiple steps to learn about ourselves.  From my instructor based on my paper and my work in the course I read,


Hi Anne,
Lots of very good reflection going on in your paper which is why we go to school in order to learn, improve, and think differently about our surroundings. I can tell you are thinking alot about your life and it will lead you to a place of success in the future. One thing I really like about you from what I have learned through your writing is that you want to improve and become a better person inside and out which is all about being a human being since we constantly strive to do better in our lives. I have to say that I am not concerned about you since you are self-aware and will meet all your goals in time just like the rest of us who are willing to learn, adapt, and become better! Most importantly, always be authentic when working with people in an informal or formal leadership role since I think it gives us the most value return in our careers! You appear to have good and clear thinking! I appreciate all your hard work this quarter. You have met the assignment guidelines/expectations.
Kevin


WOW!  How is it possible that this guy who I've never met who has only read my homework assignments knows me better than most people around me?  I mean.........wow!  It's so awesome to me.  Because I'm not looking in my past.  I'm looking in that future that he says I will reach in time and I'm pumped.  While it can make for eye-rolling reactions that my mistakes define me to others, I'm excited to make an impression on those of my future, to be a leader, a superior, a teacher and especially to be the person who I've always been, but a better and improved me.