When I got to the house on Fridays, I wasn't necessarily surprised at what was happening, Elisabeth kept me up to date and we talked on the phone multiple times/day. That house phone rang all the time. That week, I was given the heads up that Mom wasn't really leaving her bedroom much anymore, medical regressions and concerns and changes of what happens to the body was happening. Being knowledgeable of what was going on didn't ease the pain that I felt inside that would overwhelm me when I got there and saw it with my own eyes. Every time I'd walk into her room, I saw a difference in her. She was looking like her Mom, her eyes cloudy, and different.
While Mom was in bed, she was in good spirits. She was so excited to show me what she had done over the week to help for the wedding. I guess she stayed busy with thinking about the wedding that whole week. She really became concerned over my tears and my concerns that I had shared with her the previous weekend. I walked in the house on Friday and was immediately sent into the bedroom to sit with Mom. She smiled so big when she saw me. I can see her smile. She directed me to grab her red bag and her black bag and another bad and inside the bags in zip-lock baggies she had jewelry picked out, make-up, tissues, her camera (with the instruction booklet, which made me giggle), she even had undies picked out. The undies weren't for me, they were for her. We went through every bad and picked out which necklace she wanted to wear, and showed me some pretty earrings that she had gotten as a gift from Darlene (Darlene is the step-mother to my brother-in-law, Shawn). She absolutely loved those earrings and thought that they would be perfect for the wedding for herself. She found a pair of earrings for me to wear as well. I didn't plan on wearing a necklace and she had an old bracelet that was my Grandma Ruby's that I would wear just like my sisters did at their weddings. We went through bags and bags of makeup that she had collected over the years from gift events with Lancome or Clinique. We found eye shadow that reminded us both of Bernadette and thought that she would like. We found an eye shadow that we picked out for me to wear too. I tried on lipsticks until we found the right one. Mom was so excited to get ready with us girls and was so giddy as we went through all of her things. She made me giggle when she told me where to put everything so that I would find it easily, she told me to protect it from Elisabeth and Dad, that they kept moving things on her and she didn't want them to do that with these items. It felt so good to do this with my Mom just weeks before my wedding. She was able to dress shop with me, but missed my bridal shower because of her illness. My wedding was pretty simple so there wasn't much else where Mom would be involved...this time that we had together was it. It was that Mother/Daughter moment before the wedding...only it wasn't happening the day of the wedding all dressed up and nervous and excited, it was that moment that we were having right then and there, while she was still able. I don't care if it was months before the wedding, Mom made it complete...the nurse told her to concentrate on herself that week, to relax and to be peaceful, but Mom's peace was to have this moment with me and so she was busy getting everything ready for my visit. Every detail of that moment, the Mom-style organization in the baggies topped it off and I loved it. In this time, I don't know how to explain it, but I knew, really knew, that Mom wasn't going to be there at my wedding physically. She mentioned that she thought that it was within the next week and I had to tell her that it was another 3 weeks past that...she was saddened, as if she knew that what I told her was just too far away. There is one moment that I'll never forget and I don't know the context of the conversation, I forgot almost immediately the rest of the sentence, actually, because the only thing that I remember is that Mom at some point said, "..and when you look up at me from the alter..." That's when I realized that Mom knew even better than me that she wasn't going to be physically present on my wedding day.
That weekend I also brought Mom's dress that she was planning on wearing for my wedding from the dry cleaners. She was so excited to see how clean it was. It was her favorite dress that she ever had and she was so excited to fit in it again. Oh she smiled so big. I surprised her with my dress too. Bernadette and Elisabeth put on their dresses, I put on mine and we all gathered around Mom. I used the daisies that Mom wore on her wedding on the sash that was tied around my waste. I put on my veil and everything. Dad was allowed to see us all too. It was such a moment in time to hold onto, to remember forever. The five of us, Mom, Dad, Bernadette, Elisabeth and myself.........................
It was hard to leave Mom alone. I wanted to sit with her constantly, but she was keeping busy with writing cards. She had a whole stack of birthday cards, thank you cards, just all sorts of occasional cards and Mom was busy filling them out for those she loved.
In the moments that Mom was keeping busy or doing a lot of resting, we were following a guide book that was given to us when hospice began. Since Bernadette was home, there were final decisions that had to be made about Mom's "Celebration." Mom didn't say words like death or funeral, she didn't talk about "when she's gone..." Mom called her big day, her "Celebration." She asked her visitors when they came, to pick out a song to be played at her celebration. And that's all she wanted to discuss in those moments. We made plans, appointed duties, and tended to Mom for the weekend.
And just like the weekends before, this one came and went too fast. Mom was different every time I visited and I the fear of leaving wasn't just if I'd see her again, but how I'd see her next time.
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