This is it. A year ago, June 7th.

I drove back to Woodbury on June 3rd.  That night I hardly slept, I was waiting for a phone call, but never got one.  June 4th I was hesitant to get ready for work, but my phone didn't ring so I got my scrubs on and threw my hair up in my pony added a little rouge to my face so I didn't look as though I was having the worse week of my life.  Just in case, on my way to work, I called to check on Mom.  Aunt Robin was still there helping, but was going to have to leave soon and Mom was still hanging on.  So I worked and it kept me busy.  Another night that evening where I hardly slept.  I was waiting for Mom to spiritually come and say "good-bye" that night, but she didn't.  Morning came, Rory always wakes up so early, he was in the living room with Justin and I was getting another 30 minutes of sleep and my phone rang, it was Elisabeth, this is it.  She called to tell me that I should probably come back "home" that Mom's breathing has changed and Robin thought she was close.  Had somebody asked me months before what I thought my reaction would be to such a call, I'd say that I probably would freak out and drive a thousand miles per hour to get there.  For some reason, though, I felt calmness.  Dad reminded me to drive safe and not to speed.  I had a lot to get together so I sent Gwenyth to school, it was her 2nd to last day.  I sent her with a note that she was only going to be there for half a day and that she'd miss her last day of the 2nd grade because her Grandma was ill so she had to bring everything home that day.  I got all of our bags packed, showered and dressed, Rory bathed and dressed, we picked up Gwenyth and safely drove up north.

Mom's body was deteriorating, her breathing was more rattled and irregular, she didn't even open her eyes.  We talked to her, held her hand, told her that we're all going to be fine that she didn't have be strong for us anymore and it was okay to go when she's ready.  Elisabeth's cell phone was taped to the side rail of the bed and FaceTime was constantly on so that Bernadette who had gone back to Germany after Memorial Day weekend, could be next to Mom with us as well.  These were those moments where we gathered around her and prayed.  The Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be.

While sitting next to Mom I decided that I was going to head into the kitchen to do something...maybe cook, I don't remember for sure.  Without hesitation, as I stood up saying that I was going to the kitchen, as natural as any other day I said, "Alright Mamma, gimme kiss."  Mom puckered her lips.  My eyes tripled in size and I grabbed that kiss from Mom and thanked her for it.  That was the very last kiss  from my Mom to me.  I had more to give to her.

Bernadette was having a hard time so many thousands of mile away.  She wanted to fly home, but risked not being "there" without having internet connection for FaceTime during travel time.  I went to bed that night ready to be woken up by Dad to tell me she had gone, but I woke up the next morning instead.  It was quiet so I was ready to hear the news, but to my surprise, Mom was still with us, hanging on.  I checked my email and in the very early morning hours, received Bernadette's flight itinerary, her and Arthur were on their way.

Aunt Robin had to leave, she had stayed for as long as she could, but had to get back to her home and work.  I can't say enough how awesome my Aunt Robin is.  She has been amazing to our family, to the Steele family in times of need as she also cared for my Grandpa Wally in his final moments.  She is so strong, her strength and knowledge and love for my Mom will never be forgotten.

Dad didn't leave Mom's side very much at all.  He took over taking care of her.  At this point in the process we would gently position her arms and legs comfortably, kept her mouth hydrated with the pink sponges, and care for her with love.  Mom stayed consistent throughout the day, we had told her that Bernadette was on her way so we figured that she was going to wait for her to arrive.

Bernadette arrived, she was worried that she was gone, but she wasn't, she waited for her oldest.  We all gathered around.  She had us all, we prayed, said good-byes, confirmed that we'd be okay, that we'd take care of Dad.  Then we waited.

In the middle of the night, Elisabeth came and got me, Mom's breathing changed again.  We sat with her for quite some time and she wasn't ready.  I went back to sleep and so did the rest, but probably not Dad.

The next morning, June 7th, Elisabeth brought the kids to swimming lessons and decided to go to Brainerd to give Mom her space, to take a break of her own.  It was me, Bernadette, our baby boys, Dad, and Mom in the house.  It was Rory's nap time and I decided to join him, I was so tired.  I only had about an hour or so because I had to pick up the kids from swimming lessons, but it felt great.

I had a dream, it was that dream that I was waiting for, but didn't understand it completely until a time later.  In my dream I was having a dream.  The dream in the dream was that I went into Mom's room and the bed was empty, she was gone, I ran out of the room to get my sisters and I woke up from the dream's dream, but was still dreaming.  The realization that I had in my dream was that Mom sent me a message that she was gone, so, still in my dream, I got up and went to the bedroom and Mom was in her bed.  She was wearing red, her eyes were bright again and Mom smiled at me.  She got out of the bed and danced so beautifully.  She danced, like a ballerina.  I tried to talk to her, "Mom, I didn't know you could dance like that.  Did you always know how to dance like that?"  She did not reply she kept dancing and she got further away from me.  I grabbed my iPhone (still in my dream) to record her because I wanted to share with Dad and my sisters, but in real life my phone wasn't working very well and in my dream, I couldn't get it to work either and before she danced so far away that I didn't see her any more.  I woke up back in real time and Rory woke up too.  I carefully walked into Mom's bedroom (for what felt like the 3rd time in just moments because of the dream and the dream's dream) and she was there, shallow breathing, still with us.  I got dressed and ready to pick up the older kids from swimming lessons, Bernadette was on baby duty and Dad made sure that I gave mom a hug and kiss good-bye.  He knew she was getting closer to her moment.

I drove into town, Elisabeth was still gone, Bernadette was in the living room on baby duty, Dad was with Mom.  While waiting for the bus bringing the kids back, a couple friends asked how things were going and I told them that my Mom's a tough cookie, she has a strong body and she was still holding on.

The kids and I were talking on the way home, they had lots of stories to tell about their day.  I drove up the driveway and when I put the van in park, the moment was silent enough for me to hear the music that was on, I realized as I was turning off the ignition that it was ABBA.  One of Mom's favorite movies was Mamma Mia, a story that incorporates all ABBA songs.  I was helping Sonora out of the van and Bernadette stepped outside with Rory and Arthur, in tears.  It all made sense, the dream, the song, symbolic good-bye.  She was gone.  She waited for us all to be there, but the private person that Mom was, she didn't want to do it in front of her daughters.  We were all in our busiest moments and she was with her husband of 3-days shy of 40 years.  She knew what she was doing.  She knew what she was doing the whole entire time.

June 7th, one year ago today, the sun was shining, the cardinals were chirping, the butterflies were fluttering, the world was turning.  It was my Grandma Ruby's birthday (Mom's Mom), and Grandma got the absolute best gift in Heaven that day.  My Mommy.............................

Joan Kathryn Steele, irreplaceable, missed, loved, never forgotten.

Weekend #5....by the book.

Weekend #5, June first to the third.

Aunt Robin who is a nurse came to the house to help with Mom as she progressively got worse.  She volunteered to assist once we got nearer to the end, to try and keep Mom as comfortable as we could.  This weekend....was about that time and Robin's presence affirmed that.

The hospice guide booklet states that for most dying persons, activities decrease significantly in the final days and hours of life.  They speak and move less, may not respond, and show little interest in their surroundings.  They have little, if any, desire to eat or drink. (www.hospicefoundation.org)

Mom stopped doing everything.  She was no longer sitting up and writing cards, no longer talking about the wedding, no longer having conversation.  She stayed in bed and did a lot of sleeping.  She would look at us when we talked, but didn't say anything back.  This time produced the hardest memories where my heart breaks because the conversations were over, I would have no more of our Mom-talks.  Also because the mood shifted where saying final goodbyes now became appropriate.  Not just my pain in my heart, but my pain for Mom and seeing her pain was difficult.  Hearing her calling for her parents, as she did when she was a child, "Mom? Daddy?"  Seeing her physical discomfort and wanting to take it away for her.  It hurt her to be moved so this was the last time that we changed her shirt and did the daily routine of changing sheets, etc.  The sound of her breathing had a slight rattle, I remember this sound when my Grandma Ruby was ill and before she passed.  We all were prepared that this was the real beginning of the end.  The book says that this process can last for weeks, days or hours.

Mom wasn't quite there yet, she was able to eat ice-cream or sherbert, but we had to feed it to her.  She loved the taste and would say, "Mmmmmmmmm, yummy yummy yummy!"  This put a smile on my face as I fed Mom because it felt so good to give her this satisfying moment.  I know very well that glorious feeling on my tongue when having a yummy bowl of ice-cream as well, Mmmmmmm.

"As death draws near, the signs may worsen.  Your loved one may experience a burst of energy, during which she might even want to talk to loved ones or eat a meal.  Sometimes, people are conscious for a long time, and death comes suddenly.  Other times, people may be unconscious and slowly slip away." (takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/conditions/end-life-and-hospice-care)

Later in the weekend the signs did worsen right in front of me.  She hadn't changed so much while I was there in the previous weekends.  I was alone in the bedroom with Mom and held her hand.  I started saying anything else that I knew I had to tell her.  I poured my heart to her and told her that I was afraid for her, that I loved her so much, that I am so thankful for having her in my life, and so much more.  Mom looked at me with cloudy sad, sick eyes and I paused and asked, "you don't like hearing talk like this, do you Mamma?" She nodded her head "no" and if she had had enough moisture, I believe she would have had a tear in her eye.  I apologized and told her that I just had to make sure she knew how much I enormously loved her that I love her so so so so much.  I told her that I didn't like it either, that I was scared, and I didn't want to have any regrets or forget to say anything to her before I couldn't ever again.  Then I cried and snuggled up as close to her as I could get.

Later, a family member and good friend, Kathy Tramm, came to visit Mom with a beautiful vase of red flowers.  Kathy was battling breast cancer and was one of the few people that Mom spent time with.   They would go to the casino together or drink coffee together and talk.  The whole day Mom was silent, nothing more than the head nod was all I had gotten.  I was sitting next to Mom, holding her hand and Kathy walked into the room with those flowers and Mom opened her eyes, smiled big as can be and exclaimed a warm welcome to Kathy.  I can't remember exactly what she said because I was so caught off guard that Mom even talked, when I didn't think she could anymore!  She said something like, "now THERE'S a fun woman!"  I left Mom to Kathy and they had a wonderful time together.  This was Mom's burst of energy.  ...and yet another lesson.  Kathy and Mom may have gotten in deep conversations, we don't know, that's for them to share, but mostly it was all positive talk, again, what Mom thrived on, what Mom taught us and it was only right that her burst of energy came in that positive and beautiful moment between long-time friends.  I thank Kathy for her visit that day.  We all loved seeing Mom in that moment after she had been so distant.  This will never be forgotten and we pray for Kathy today as she continues to recover in her own battle.

Outside Mom's window were beautiful flowering shrubs and lilacs and an unforgettable butterfly.  There were butterflies all over outside, but there was one particular one that seemed to keep visiting.  These signs and symbols that surrounded Mom brought us all some peace in this difficult and scary time.

The weekend's goal was to keep her comfortable, was to just love her up in these final moments.  The weekend came to an end and Mom was still with us.  I debated if I should go back this time, I didn't want to miss it, but after the burst of energy, I was confused.  Do we still have a week?  Wait, the book says 24 hours?  Or will it be tonight?  While Mom was spot on with the signs that the book described, the book doesn't give us the exact day, I was so unsure.  I left every weekend feeling satisfied that Mom knew and understood my love for her, she knew that she had my support and I thanked her for all of her.  I chose to leave on Sunday with the plan that Elisabeth would call me when Mom started showing the signs (as described in the book) of the end.

Weekend #4...getting closer

Weekend #4 of hospice was May twenty-fifth to the twenty-eighth (a long weekend because of Memorial Day).  I only visited on the weekends because I had to work.  I didn't end up taking short-term leave from work or anything because Dad and Elisabeth were at home with Mom.  There were constant visitors and family such as cousin Nico or my Dad's siblings who were so helpful and kept bringing food for Dad and Elisabeth, helped clean the house, and offered themselves where ever and when ever needed.  There were also hospice nurses who would visit the house.  One of them, Jenny, I also went to high school with.  Mom was her first patient as a hospice nurse.  I am so grateful for the strength, respect, and privacy that Jenny gave to my family.  I imagine that when she first saw Mom's name as her first patient that reality struck...working in her hometown meant she was going to care for people that she already knows...some very well.  And Jenny handled it so professionally.  I thank her for all of her care.  I wasn't at the house enough to get to know the other nurse well as Elisabeth did, but she was a wonderful person too and took very good care of Mom.

When I got to the house on Fridays, I wasn't necessarily surprised at what was happening, Elisabeth kept me up to date and we talked on the phone multiple times/day.  That house phone rang all the time. That week, I was given the heads up that Mom wasn't really leaving her bedroom much anymore, medical regressions and concerns and changes of what happens to the body was happening.  Being knowledgeable of what was going on didn't ease the pain that I felt inside that would overwhelm me when I got there and saw it with my own eyes.  Every time I'd walk into her room, I saw a difference in her.  She was looking like her Mom, her eyes cloudy, and different.

While Mom was in bed, she was in good spirits.  She was so excited to show me what she had done over the week to help for the wedding.  I guess she stayed busy with thinking about the wedding that whole week.  She really became concerned over my tears and my concerns that I had shared with her the previous weekend.  I walked in the house on Friday and was immediately sent into the bedroom to sit with Mom.  She smiled so big when she saw me.  I can see her smile.  She directed me to grab her red bag and her black bag and another bad and inside the bags in zip-lock baggies she had jewelry picked out, make-up, tissues, her camera (with the instruction booklet, which made me giggle), she even had undies picked out.  The undies weren't for me, they were for her.  We went through every bad and picked out which necklace she wanted to wear, and showed me some pretty earrings that she had gotten as a gift from Darlene (Darlene is the step-mother to my brother-in-law, Shawn).  She absolutely loved those earrings and thought that they would be perfect for the wedding for herself.  She found a pair of earrings for me to wear as well.  I didn't plan on wearing a necklace and she had an old bracelet that was my Grandma Ruby's that I would wear just like my sisters did at their weddings.  We went through bags and bags of makeup that she had collected over the years from gift events with Lancome or Clinique.  We found eye shadow that reminded us both of Bernadette and thought that she would like.  We found an eye shadow that we picked out for me to wear too.  I tried on lipsticks until we found the right one.  Mom was so excited to get ready with us girls and was so giddy as we went through all of her things.  She made me giggle when she told me where to put everything so that I would find it easily, she told me to protect it from Elisabeth and Dad, that they kept moving things on her and she didn't want them to do that with these items.  It felt so good to do this with my Mom just weeks before my wedding.  She was able to dress shop with me, but missed my bridal shower because of her illness.  My wedding was pretty simple so there wasn't much else where Mom would be involved...this time that we had together was it.  It was that Mother/Daughter moment before the wedding...only it wasn't happening the day of the wedding all dressed up and nervous and excited, it was that moment that we were having right then and there, while she was still able.  I don't care if it was months before the wedding, Mom made it complete...the nurse told her to concentrate on herself that week, to relax and to be peaceful, but Mom's peace was to have this moment with me and so she was busy getting everything ready for my visit.  Every detail of that moment, the Mom-style organization in the baggies topped it off and I loved it.  In this time, I don't know how to explain it, but I knew, really knew, that Mom wasn't going to be there at my wedding physically.  She mentioned that she thought that it was within the next week and I had to tell her that it was another 3 weeks past that...she was saddened, as if she knew that what I told her was just too far away.  There is one moment that I'll never forget and I don't know the context of the conversation, I forgot almost immediately the rest of the sentence, actually, because the only thing that I remember is that Mom at some point said, "..and when you look up at me from the alter..." That's when I realized that Mom knew even better than me that she wasn't going to be physically present on my wedding day.

That weekend I also brought Mom's dress that she was planning on wearing for my wedding from the dry cleaners.  She was so excited to see how clean it was.  It was her favorite dress that she ever had and she was so excited to fit in it again.  Oh she smiled so big.  I surprised her with my dress too. Bernadette and Elisabeth put on their dresses, I put on mine and we all gathered around Mom.  I used the daisies that Mom wore on her wedding on the sash that was tied around my waste.  I put on my veil and everything.  Dad was allowed to see us all too.  It was such a moment in time to hold onto, to remember forever.  The five of us, Mom, Dad, Bernadette, Elisabeth and myself.........................

It was hard to leave Mom alone.  I wanted to sit with her constantly, but she was keeping busy with writing cards.  She had a whole stack of birthday cards, thank you cards, just all sorts of occasional cards and Mom was busy filling them out for those she loved.

In the moments that Mom was keeping busy or doing a lot of resting, we were following a guide book that was given to us when hospice began.  Since Bernadette was home, there were final decisions that had to be made about Mom's "Celebration."  Mom didn't say words like death or funeral, she didn't talk about "when she's gone..."  Mom called her big day, her "Celebration."  She asked her visitors when they came, to pick out a song to be played at her celebration.  And that's all she wanted to discuss in those moments.  We made plans, appointed duties, and tended to Mom for the weekend.

And just like the weekends before, this one came and went too fast.  Mom was different every time I visited and I the fear of leaving wasn't just if I'd see her again, but how I'd see her next time.

It's coming...weekend 3.

My insides have been uneasy for the last week or two because the 1st year of so many painful first moments without her is almost complete.  Mom probably wouldn't want me to be so miserable without her, but I have been and I am.  I can cry just as hard today as I did a year ago...

I began a journey and I have so much more to share.  I'm going back to those last three weekends and those final days.

Weekend #3 landed in the middle of May, the eighteenth to the twentieth.  So much happened on this weekend.  Changes in Mom were happening even faster than the first two weeks.  Mom was thinning out, looking more sick, and she was mixing things up in her head and words were escaping her.  Mom had a super vocabulary, she did crossword puzzles every Sunday from the Minneapolis Star Tribune.  Mom would sometimes stare off over our shoulders as if she were looking at something or some one else.  She told us of dreams with her cousins and that they gave her a ride behind their snowmobile.  But she didn't go away with them...she was still with us.

Mom's room was decorated with homemade cards from all of her grandkids, cards and letters from family and friends, prayers, beautiful flowers, and chairs positioned around her bed for family and friends to spend time with her.  Saturday morning Elisabeth and I went in her room to get ready for the day and she was super excited for her very good friend, Paul, to visit.  My whole entire life and I'd never met Paul, heard of Paul, I didn't even know that Mom had a best friend, Paul, at all.  I was learning so much about Mom in this time and I even felt out of place sometimes because, being her daughter, I thought that these are maybe some things that I should have known about.....shouldn't have I?  Mom was a very private person and didn't tell many stories of her past so I was able to get over these uncomfortable new discoveries pretty easily and found the excitement to hear stories that were never told before.

We were out in the kitchen/dining room and Mom was so giddy waiting for Paul.  We got a phone call and other friends wanted to visit Mom that day too and we told them sure, that we'd love to have them.  Mom was not so happy with the newly invited guests.  She was so concerned that these other visitors would ruin her time with Paul.  I didn't know what to do, I didn't want my Mom to feel so sad.  We offered to cancel, but she didn't want those less-exciting visitors to be turned away.  Until Paul arrived, Mom was visibly bumming out.  This was new...it bummed me out too.

Her "down" attitude that I hadn't seen...ever...turned upside down when Paul arrived.  This fun, loud, flamboyant man sat down with Mom at the kitchen table and they laughed and told stories and made the whole house lighten up.  No wonder this was a best friend of Mom's.  It is a great lesson and true that it's not the quantity of friends that you have, it's the quality and Mom and Paul had that with each other.  We catered to Paul and his friend to keep them comfortable and to keep up the good company.  I didn't want it to end, I wished that Paul had come to visit my whole life, that I would have been able to meet him sooner.  Mom had a great time.  I can close my eyes as I write this and feel the smile and still smile as I think back to how I watched my Mom laugh and have a good time.  I imagine she had great times like this when she was in her twenties, getting her hair done by Paul.  He tried all of the new styles with Mom, she'd let him do anything, she was fun, open-minded, and a blast to have as a friend.  Paul had to get going and the "other" company came.  Mom hardly talked.  It wasn't that she didn't like the company, it just wasn't the company that she wanted.  Too serious, too many questions, not enough fun and laughter that was what Mom wanted to be surrounded by.  They didn't stay too long, Mom was tired and it was an easy way to excuse herself...I didn't blame her.  I preferred Paul's company too.  I was learning this constant lesson from Mom that before she was so sick, it used to be so subtle, but with everything going on, her filter was gone.  Mom loved positivity and life, livelihood, comes from the positive, not the negative.

Sunday, Mom was sitting in her wheel chair in the kitchen.  I stood behind her and bent over to give her a hug around her shoulders.  She gave me a satisfied sigh...the type that lets you know that your touch feels so good.  I squeezed her and held her and I knew my Mom more than I had on Friday of that same weekend.  That moment I will hold on to in my heart forever.

After a beautiful moment of silence, I wanted to let Mom know that I was so sorry for being her little stinker.  See, I wasn't the easiest child of me and my sisters.  I don't remember that I ever purposefully wanted to upset my family or ever wanting to hurt my Mom and her feelings.  I don't remember ever doing it, but when I was little, I wouldn't let anyone but my Mom hold me, I bit, spit, screamed, and threw temper tantrums.  I hear the stories and they haunt me to this day...as if I did it on purpose and I still have the stigma.  It's quite exhausting coming from everyone else, really it is, but Mom...she never held it against me.  Despite being her little stinker and needing to send me with Grandma Ruby for a break, Mom loved me so much.  She strived to educate me, keep me happy, let me have fun, and sometimes I heard a story, she left it to those early years and didn't let it define who I'd become.  While I was standing there, I remembered the story about my 5th birthday party.  It was beautiful April weather and Mom had a party planned for me.  We woke up the morning of the 28th and the ground was snow-covered.  I cried.  I don't remember this...at all.  Being a mother and knowing how bad my heart hurts when I can't make things right for Gwenyth, I knew how bad Mom felt that April morning.  So, standing behind her, I told her that I was sorry for crying on my 5th birthday and that I know that she did all that she could and that I appreciate her and all that she did for me.  I remember in the 7th grade that I had a dentist appointment on a game-day for volleyball.  Mom drove so fast to try to get me there on time.  We got there just in time to play for a few serves.  I was so bummed out, but remember feeling bad for being frustrated...I knew that Mom did everything she could for me that day.  I thanked her for that moment too.  I apologized for any moment that it seemed like I didn't notice, but I did and I remember them.  She grabbed my hand that was holding her, rubbed it and gave it a squeeze.  She gave me a smile and she landed her head on mine.  Love....and love is all I felt.

Leaving that day was hard.  There was so much to take in plus...my wedding was coming up and I had so much still to do.  I didn't want Mom to worry about my wedding, I didn't even know if Mom would be at my wedding, I didn't know if she'd be there next weekend.  Previous "good-byes" were more private, this time Mom was out and about in her wheel chair and I fell apart in tears.  The tears were of fear.  Mom asked me what was wrong.  HA!  I wanted to say, "Mom, you're dying!  That's what's wrong!"  But I didn't want to be one of those downer types of people.  We had just had a beautiful weekend of laughter (don't ruin it, Anne, I thought to myself).  I had just apologized for all the times that Mom felt bad for the things that she couldn't control and I didn't want her to know that her sickness was the cause of my sadness.  I told her that I was overwhelmed with the planning of the wedding.  Well, kids in the car, AC running, Mom made me go to the table with her and a marker and paper in hand.  With red marker, she jotted down the left over things that needed to be done, helped me find easy solutions and said to me, "now dry those tears."  It was very hard to dry my tears because here my Mommy is so sick and again, it's one of her daughters that she is taking care of.  It was me this time and no matter whose wedding was coming up, Mom would have treated all of us the same.  Well I found the strength to stop crying to give her hugs and walk out of her sight to Dad where I hugged him and started crying all over again.

I made it to the car with my Mom's list in hand.  I looked at it for the first time, it didn't make much sense, but it didn't matter, I felt it...Love.  I drove away that Sunday, again in the opposite direction that I wanted to be.  I left with more fear than the first weekend, more fear than the second weekend, that this was my last weekend with Mom.