I've been living differently for over a year now. Without my Mom. This life is so consuming. I don't have a day that goes by where I've forgotten that she's not here anymore, it's impossible to forget. Two days ago I grabbed the ranch dressing from the fridge and it was expired July 12. Gwenyth asked if it was still good to eat being it was only 13 days "old." I told her that I didn't know if it was good or not and to myself I thought that the reason why I didn't know was because I didn't have the option to call Mom and ask. Mom knew these types of things.
Another moment in life is my 15-year high school class reunion. I took the driver's seat to help put together a celebration for this special moment in life and as I speak to each classmate I have a memory that goes across my mind. I can remember so many details of so many memories of those days, it's amazing. I find that I like the feeling of just remembering and so I've been doing it quite a bit. So much that I feel as though I'm living in my head.
This phase of my life where all I do is seek memories isn't new. While the 15-year reunion enhances it, it's been going on since Mom passed away. I am noticing that I crave to have that remembered time or the lost time back. I want it so badly and so often that I am spending an excess amount of time in my mind. Too much time, in my mind.
I'll remember how things were and what happened and then I'll focus on how if there was one different decision made and life would have taken a completely new path. What would have happened if this...? or if that...? Would I do it the same if I could be there again?
The memories don't have to be of my Mom to be satisfying. I'm finding that any memory of a time when Mom was here on this physical Earth gives me back that feeling in my heart of the normal life that I long for, the normal life with her, but can never get back. This new normal without her is so permanent, death is permanent.
And the heartache is permanent.
I can never go back to high school and have that feeling that I can think of when I sit here and close my eyes...I see my friends, we're all laughing and smiling, we're having fun, we have everything we want in that moment (we're kids, we didn't need much) we are healthy, we have our family pets, we have opportunities to look forward to, we have no fear, we share love and desires, and we all have our Moms and Dads and nobody is sick and nobody has had to endure a loss of a baby, a sibling, a parent or emergency surgeries and we are free of so much pain....and sadness...and those little problems, those puny teeny tiny little arguments (that seemed huge at the time) I'll take back in a heartbeat so all of the other pains of mine and my friends go away.
And that's what happens in the time in my mind.
Now I know that we are all happy to have had the experiences which we have gone through and to be parents ourselves, but this measurable amount of time that I spend in my mind is like a vacation. "Where are you going on vacation to this weekend, Anne?" I'm going to my past.
I just can't give it up...not now, not yet. I'm not sure if ever. I find myself wanting to do it again. Who's ever said that?! High school all over again?! This girl right here wants even just a day of high school where Mom is making me to be home by 10pm on a Saturday night. For at least one more night and I would be so happy, this is something that I want more than anything else in this world right now. And it's impossible so I will continue to have that night in my mind.
Stelle-Buhl Family
Friday, July 26, 2013
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
How do I follow that?
I read my previous posts, the journey that I had during my Mom's passing. I did get it all written down so I will never forget (and to share her love). I'm not sure how I can follow that. Really...
So just a little something for the day that I wanted to share. Let's catch up real quick. For a living, I am a sonographer aka ultrasound technologist. It's already taking quite a toll on my body (arm/shoulder/neck pain and migraines) and let's face it, I've got many years of working ahead of me. I decided to go back to school for management to have a back up plan. I want to scan for as long as I can, but am open to becoming a lead sonographer, a department manager, and am especially interested in becoming an instructor. I have other innovative ideas too, I'm pretty open-minded to anything that will allow me to continue to stay within the industry because I'm just meant to be in it. I am in an accelerated online program which involves 2 classes for six weeks, 2 sets of six weeks back-to-back and 1 week off, then again for a total of 18 months.
Today as I receive my final grades for the 2nd set of classes (before the week break), I was really excited to see the feedback from one of my instructors. His words really boosted my esteem in that I can do this and be successful doing it. You see, I'm not only working on filling myself with new knowledge with this process, but I'm working on being a better Anne. We've all got flaws and some of my own drive me bananas, some I don't realize, and all of them are what I'm working on.
A few weeks ago, I had gotten so frustrated because a post of mine on Facebook was not well-perceived and I was bad-mouthed by someone who knows me only from a time over 15 years ago. Even when trying to clarify myself, that other person's mind was made up and that was that. I didn't mind so much of that person's opinion of me as her opinions of most aren't of high quality so I guess I just joined the club. Another small remark in that situation from a very close person who has known me my whole life caught me by surprise and the situation was so incredibly hurtful that such a person so close to me that I love so dearly actually believed that the misperceived side of my post was truly who I am.
I got so down over the situations and it got me to thinking. I thought deeply about some of the mistakes I've made (things like when I sang the wrong words to a Christmas song that my cousin was leading and it made her cry), the times that I've ever been hurtful (I can have a smart mouth, usually to myself, but I've slipped or been pushed over the edge before), the "little shit" that I've been known to be (when I was little I'd spit, scream, bite and throw tantrums. I don't even remember doing all of the things that I'm so often told of). I've never wanted to be a horrible person and in the scheme of things, even with my mistakes, I don't think that I've ever really been "bad" ....not really. Even so, I've changed and I am changing. I'm 33 now, a mother of 2. I'm raising a little girl completely afraid that she'll ever be snotty, rude, or mean and my son started saying his own version of "please" at 16-months. Being anything but loving is not what I'm trying to live. The way I felt, the way it seemed when a close person didn't understand me in that moment, that it made sense that there are probably so many more people just like her, still think whatever it is that they think of the spoiled youngest girl that bites and screams and throws temper tantrums who makes her cousins cry and gets in trouble because instead of sitting still she ran around and broke things. My point being, that impression is made, it's done. Just like the Facebook post that was misinterpreted. The responder made up her mind and that was that. So no matter how much I'd give to someone I love if they needed me, no matter how much I care for those in my life, no matter how many lives I touch and change, no matter how much I love my children and how many morals I raise them with... those early years of how an immature Anne behaved has left a mark and I can't do anything about it. Our past really defines us.
Man, that was a bummer feeling and quite a crazy train of thought that I had had. It lasted for a while too, but then I just moved on. While it is probably true that to some people, my past defines me, my past doesn't define who I am to me. I focus and care about is what is ahead of me. That which is in my future and my goals.
Let's come back to today, I find that I received a final A in my "Contemporary Leadership Challenges" course. My last submission was a 20 page paper, a "Leadership Exploration Project" where we took multiple steps to learn about ourselves. From my instructor based on my paper and my work in the course I read,
Hi Anne,
Lots of very good reflection going on in your paper which is why we go to school in order to learn, improve, and think differently about our surroundings. I can tell you are thinking alot about your life and it will lead you to a place of success in the future. One thing I really like about you from what I have learned through your writing is that you want to improve and become a better person inside and out which is all about being a human being since we constantly strive to do better in our lives. I have to say that I am not concerned about you since you are self-aware and will meet all your goals in time just like the rest of us who are willing to learn, adapt, and become better! Most importantly, always be authentic when working with people in an informal or formal leadership role since I think it gives us the most value return in our careers! You appear to have good and clear thinking! I appreciate all your hard work this quarter. You have met the assignment guidelines/expectations.
Kevin
WOW! How is it possible that this guy who I've never met who has only read my homework assignments knows me better than most people around me? I mean.........wow! It's so awesome to me. Because I'm not looking in my past. I'm looking in that future that he says I will reach in time and I'm pumped. While it can make for eye-rolling reactions that my mistakes define me to others, I'm excited to make an impression on those of my future, to be a leader, a superior, a teacher and especially to be the person who I've always been, but a better and improved me.
So just a little something for the day that I wanted to share. Let's catch up real quick. For a living, I am a sonographer aka ultrasound technologist. It's already taking quite a toll on my body (arm/shoulder/neck pain and migraines) and let's face it, I've got many years of working ahead of me. I decided to go back to school for management to have a back up plan. I want to scan for as long as I can, but am open to becoming a lead sonographer, a department manager, and am especially interested in becoming an instructor. I have other innovative ideas too, I'm pretty open-minded to anything that will allow me to continue to stay within the industry because I'm just meant to be in it. I am in an accelerated online program which involves 2 classes for six weeks, 2 sets of six weeks back-to-back and 1 week off, then again for a total of 18 months.
Today as I receive my final grades for the 2nd set of classes (before the week break), I was really excited to see the feedback from one of my instructors. His words really boosted my esteem in that I can do this and be successful doing it. You see, I'm not only working on filling myself with new knowledge with this process, but I'm working on being a better Anne. We've all got flaws and some of my own drive me bananas, some I don't realize, and all of them are what I'm working on.
A few weeks ago, I had gotten so frustrated because a post of mine on Facebook was not well-perceived and I was bad-mouthed by someone who knows me only from a time over 15 years ago. Even when trying to clarify myself, that other person's mind was made up and that was that. I didn't mind so much of that person's opinion of me as her opinions of most aren't of high quality so I guess I just joined the club. Another small remark in that situation from a very close person who has known me my whole life caught me by surprise and the situation was so incredibly hurtful that such a person so close to me that I love so dearly actually believed that the misperceived side of my post was truly who I am.
I got so down over the situations and it got me to thinking. I thought deeply about some of the mistakes I've made (things like when I sang the wrong words to a Christmas song that my cousin was leading and it made her cry), the times that I've ever been hurtful (I can have a smart mouth, usually to myself, but I've slipped or been pushed over the edge before), the "little shit" that I've been known to be (when I was little I'd spit, scream, bite and throw tantrums. I don't even remember doing all of the things that I'm so often told of). I've never wanted to be a horrible person and in the scheme of things, even with my mistakes, I don't think that I've ever really been "bad" ....not really. Even so, I've changed and I am changing. I'm 33 now, a mother of 2. I'm raising a little girl completely afraid that she'll ever be snotty, rude, or mean and my son started saying his own version of "please" at 16-months. Being anything but loving is not what I'm trying to live. The way I felt, the way it seemed when a close person didn't understand me in that moment, that it made sense that there are probably so many more people just like her, still think whatever it is that they think of the spoiled youngest girl that bites and screams and throws temper tantrums who makes her cousins cry and gets in trouble because instead of sitting still she ran around and broke things. My point being, that impression is made, it's done. Just like the Facebook post that was misinterpreted. The responder made up her mind and that was that. So no matter how much I'd give to someone I love if they needed me, no matter how much I care for those in my life, no matter how many lives I touch and change, no matter how much I love my children and how many morals I raise them with... those early years of how an immature Anne behaved has left a mark and I can't do anything about it. Our past really defines us.
Man, that was a bummer feeling and quite a crazy train of thought that I had had. It lasted for a while too, but then I just moved on. While it is probably true that to some people, my past defines me, my past doesn't define who I am to me. I focus and care about is what is ahead of me. That which is in my future and my goals.
Let's come back to today, I find that I received a final A in my "Contemporary Leadership Challenges" course. My last submission was a 20 page paper, a "Leadership Exploration Project" where we took multiple steps to learn about ourselves. From my instructor based on my paper and my work in the course I read,
Hi Anne,
Lots of very good reflection going on in your paper which is why we go to school in order to learn, improve, and think differently about our surroundings. I can tell you are thinking alot about your life and it will lead you to a place of success in the future. One thing I really like about you from what I have learned through your writing is that you want to improve and become a better person inside and out which is all about being a human being since we constantly strive to do better in our lives. I have to say that I am not concerned about you since you are self-aware and will meet all your goals in time just like the rest of us who are willing to learn, adapt, and become better! Most importantly, always be authentic when working with people in an informal or formal leadership role since I think it gives us the most value return in our careers! You appear to have good and clear thinking! I appreciate all your hard work this quarter. You have met the assignment guidelines/expectations.
Kevin
WOW! How is it possible that this guy who I've never met who has only read my homework assignments knows me better than most people around me? I mean.........wow! It's so awesome to me. Because I'm not looking in my past. I'm looking in that future that he says I will reach in time and I'm pumped. While it can make for eye-rolling reactions that my mistakes define me to others, I'm excited to make an impression on those of my future, to be a leader, a superior, a teacher and especially to be the person who I've always been, but a better and improved me.
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