I think of Mom often, every day. I especially think of her when I'm stuck in a moment where I need her and where I'd usually reach for my phone and give her a call. Mom always listened to me. She was the best listener. It didn't matter if it was morning, noon, or night; if she was at work or baking a pie, she always set aside time to give me her full attention. For the past four months I've been calling "home" to talk like I did with Mom, but I don't get the fulfillment. No offense to my sister, Elisabeth or Dad, but Mom was simply better at listening to me, at listening to Anne. To top it off, she was also the best at knowing how to respond to me, to respond to Anne. I guess I've always been a little "special"...the baby of the family, the black sheep, the over-reactor, the emotional one, the one that really needs to voice things, the one that let's everyone/everything get to me, the one that has a hard time shaking things off and letting things go... My worst traits are quite the pain in life as they can hold me back and get me into trouble and be hurtful not just to me, but to those I love; trust me, if I could turn them off, I would. While I haven't figured out how to just simply be "normal," I have recognized these short fallings and I did figure out, for the most part, how to minimize the negative impacts. My answer to helping me in a situation was, 1) keep my mouth shut in a position and at that moment and wait until after #2 2) talk it out with Mom. Mom had all my answers, or maybe I had all my answers, but Mom helped me find them. While I kept a few secrets from Mom, like the party upstairs while her and Dad were home...those small things were truly nothing, Mom knew me the best. Without Mom, I've been lost because I've been stuck at #1 w/no #2. A good friend of mine rescued me a couple times and I'm grateful to her. I even posted on Facebook once (this is a no-no according to Mom, but I thought that I handled it okay). I suppose I could pay someone to listen to me....do they work via phone on my way home from work? Who has time to talk any other way?
Well, so far the only solution that I've found is to become more like my Mom herself. While it was natural for Mom, I've been practicing patients (deep breathing, situational meditation) and thankfully I have an amazing husband that is in love with me and does a great job listening when I just need to get it out. Mostly, I'm practicing that life is as it is, one of those final lessons that Mom was able to teach me. Mom's life was as it was, cancer. Life as it is and take care of it with care. Have I lost you? In my own words: 1) Do not surrender 2) Do not spaz 3) Make an educated decision 4) It's not everyone's business (working on #4) 5) Act accordingly ...these are (some of) the things that I witnessed my Mom do in life and that I have made as my goal. My 2-step plan was much more desirable and I prefer the benefits of it's #2, but if I just pouted about it and didn't figure out how to adjust then I'd be failing #1 of the new plan.
I feel like I'm going through withdrawal of my "medication," emotional ups and downs, times of being hopeful, times of failure, but I do plan to succeed. I can succeed because my Mom, my listener, my pharmaceutical alternative is still with me, has still taught me, and has helped me find the answer within myself to deal with my own faults. She will always be with me, will always teach me, and will never stop helping me. Thank you, Mom.
