Counting my blessings 3

He means so much to me and he'd do anything for the three that he's got.  I am grateful and so blessed that Michael Steele is my Father. My Daddy. My Pa.

Counting my blessings 2

Cuddle, snuggle, which ever you choose to describe it, I love it, I am blessed to have such good snugglers and I am truly grateful.

Welcome 2014

As we begin the year, 2014, it is beautiful to see that so many are choosing to focus on what there is to be grateful for.  I hope that this shift in attitude becomes contagious as we could use more love and positivity nowadays.

In life there is always a moment or many moments where something is wrong at work, a friend is being a nerd, a health issue is consuming, a kid is going through a change, a husband makes the wrong choice, a dinner tastes bad, a drink is spilled, and so many other frustrations that can, at times, be overwhelming.

I cannot take credit, but I really like the idea of documenting what I have to be grateful for, to literally count and take note of my blessings so that even as I have my days, my bad and annoyed-at-the-world (who hates me) days, I will remember and realize and reflect on the many parts of life that I am blessed with.  I will document and reflect daily, my blessings.  This is a simple way to remember to be happy and that's good because there really are moments where being happy can be tough.

Today is an easy one, I can't put into words how grateful and blessed I am to have Gwenyth and Rory, I love these two so much.

Time in my mind...

I've been living differently for over a year now.  Without my Mom.  This life is so consuming.  I don't have a day that goes by where I've forgotten that she's not here anymore, it's impossible to forget.  Two days ago I grabbed the ranch dressing from the fridge and it was expired July 12.  Gwenyth asked if it was still good to eat being it was only 13 days "old."  I told her that I didn't know if it was good or not and to myself I thought that the reason why I didn't know was because I didn't have the option to call Mom and ask.  Mom knew these types of things.

Another moment in life is my 15-year high school class reunion.  I took the driver's seat to help put together a celebration for this special moment in life and as I speak to each classmate I have a memory that goes across my mind.  I can remember so many details of so many memories of those days, it's amazing.  I find that I like the feeling of just remembering and so I've been doing it quite a bit.  So much that I feel as though I'm living in my head.

This phase of my life where all I do is seek memories isn't new.  While the 15-year reunion enhances it, it's been going on since Mom passed away.  I am noticing that I crave to have that remembered time or the lost time back.  I want it so badly and so often that I am spending an excess amount of time in my mind.  Too much time, in my mind.

I'll remember how things were and what happened and then I'll focus on how if there was one different decision made and life would have taken a completely new path.  What would have happened if this...?  or if that...?  Would I do it the same if I could be there again?

The memories don't have to be of my Mom to be satisfying.  I'm finding that any memory of a time when Mom was here on this physical Earth gives me back that feeling in my heart of the normal life that I long for, the normal life with her, but can never get back.  This new normal without her is so permanent, death is permanent.

And the heartache is permanent.

I can never go back to high school and have that feeling that I can think of when I sit here and close my eyes...I see my friends, we're all laughing and smiling, we're having fun, we have everything we want in that moment (we're kids, we didn't need much) we are healthy, we have our family pets, we have opportunities to look forward to, we have no fear, we share love and desires, and we all have our Moms and Dads and nobody is sick and nobody has had to endure a loss of a baby, a sibling, a parent or emergency surgeries and we are free of so much pain....and sadness...and those little problems, those puny teeny tiny little arguments (that seemed huge at the time) I'll take back in a heartbeat so all of the other pains of mine and my friends go away.

And that's what happens in the time in my mind.

Now I know that we are all happy to have had the experiences which we have gone through and to be parents ourselves, but this measurable amount of time that I spend in my mind is like a vacation.  "Where are you going on vacation to this weekend, Anne?"  I'm going to my past.

I just can't give it up...not now, not yet.  I'm not sure if ever.  I find myself wanting to do it again.  Who's ever said that?!  High school all over again?!  This girl right here wants even just a day of high school where Mom is making me to be home by 10pm on a Saturday night.  For at least one more night and I would be so happy, this is something that I want more than anything else in this world right now. And it's impossible so I will continue to have that night in my mind.

How do I follow that?

I read my previous posts, the journey that I had during my Mom's passing.  I did get it all written down so I will never forget (and to share her love).  I'm not sure how I can follow that.  Really...

So just a little something for the day that I wanted to share.  Let's catch up real quick.  For a living, I am a sonographer aka ultrasound technologist.  It's already taking quite a toll on my body (arm/shoulder/neck pain and migraines) and let's face it, I've got many years of working ahead of me.  I decided to go back to school for management to have a back up plan.  I want to scan for as long as I can, but am open to becoming a lead sonographer, a department manager, and am especially interested in becoming an instructor.  I have other innovative ideas too, I'm pretty open-minded to anything that will allow me to continue to stay within the industry because I'm just meant to be in it.  I am in an accelerated online program which involves 2 classes for six weeks, 2 sets of six weeks back-to-back and 1 week off, then again for a total of 18 months.

Today as I receive my final grades for the 2nd set of classes (before the week break), I was really excited to see the feedback from one of my instructors.  His words really boosted my esteem in that I can do this and be successful doing it.  You see, I'm not only working on filling myself with new knowledge with this process, but I'm working on being a better Anne.  We've all got flaws and some of my own drive me bananas, some I don't realize, and all of them are what I'm working on.

A few weeks ago, I had gotten so frustrated because a post of mine on Facebook was not well-perceived and I was bad-mouthed by someone who knows me only from a time over 15 years ago.  Even when trying to clarify myself, that other person's mind was made up and that was that.  I didn't mind so much of that person's opinion of me as her opinions of most aren't of high quality so I guess I just joined the club.  Another small remark in that situation from a very close person who has known me my whole life caught me by surprise and the situation was so incredibly hurtful that such a person so close to me that I love so dearly actually believed that the misperceived side of my post was truly who I am.

I got so down over the situations and it got me to thinking.  I thought deeply about some of the mistakes I've made (things like when I sang the wrong words to a Christmas song that my cousin was leading and it made her cry), the times that I've ever been hurtful (I can have a smart mouth, usually to myself, but I've slipped or been pushed over the edge before), the "little shit" that I've been known to be (when I was little I'd spit, scream, bite and throw tantrums.  I don't even remember doing all of the things that I'm so often told of).  I've never wanted to be a horrible person and in the scheme of things, even with my mistakes, I don't think that I've ever really been "bad" ....not really.  Even so, I've changed and I am changing.  I'm 33 now, a mother of 2.  I'm raising a little girl completely afraid that she'll ever be snotty, rude, or mean and my son started saying his own version of "please" at 16-months.  Being anything but loving is not what I'm trying to live.  The way I felt, the way it seemed when a close person didn't understand me in that moment, that it made sense that there are probably so many more people just like her, still think whatever it is that they think of the spoiled youngest girl that bites and screams and throws temper tantrums who makes her cousins cry and gets in trouble because instead of sitting still she ran around and broke things.  My point being, that impression is made, it's done.  Just like the Facebook post that was misinterpreted.  The responder made up her mind and that was that.  So no matter how much I'd give to someone I love if they needed me, no matter how much I care for those in my life, no matter how many lives I touch and change, no matter how much I love my children and how many morals I raise them with... those early years of how an immature Anne behaved has left a mark and I can't do anything about it.  Our past really defines us.

Man, that was a bummer feeling and quite a crazy train of thought that I had had.  It lasted for a while too, but then I just moved on.  While it is probably true that to some people, my past defines me, my past doesn't define who I am to me.  I focus and care about is what is ahead of me.  That which is in my future and my goals.

Let's come back to today, I find that I received a final A in my "Contemporary Leadership Challenges" course.  My last submission was a 20 page paper, a "Leadership Exploration Project" where we took multiple steps to learn about ourselves.  From my instructor based on my paper and my work in the course I read,


Hi Anne,
Lots of very good reflection going on in your paper which is why we go to school in order to learn, improve, and think differently about our surroundings. I can tell you are thinking alot about your life and it will lead you to a place of success in the future. One thing I really like about you from what I have learned through your writing is that you want to improve and become a better person inside and out which is all about being a human being since we constantly strive to do better in our lives. I have to say that I am not concerned about you since you are self-aware and will meet all your goals in time just like the rest of us who are willing to learn, adapt, and become better! Most importantly, always be authentic when working with people in an informal or formal leadership role since I think it gives us the most value return in our careers! You appear to have good and clear thinking! I appreciate all your hard work this quarter. You have met the assignment guidelines/expectations.
Kevin


WOW!  How is it possible that this guy who I've never met who has only read my homework assignments knows me better than most people around me?  I mean.........wow!  It's so awesome to me.  Because I'm not looking in my past.  I'm looking in that future that he says I will reach in time and I'm pumped.  While it can make for eye-rolling reactions that my mistakes define me to others, I'm excited to make an impression on those of my future, to be a leader, a superior, a teacher and especially to be the person who I've always been, but a better and improved me.

This is it. A year ago, June 7th.

I drove back to Woodbury on June 3rd.  That night I hardly slept, I was waiting for a phone call, but never got one.  June 4th I was hesitant to get ready for work, but my phone didn't ring so I got my scrubs on and threw my hair up in my pony added a little rouge to my face so I didn't look as though I was having the worse week of my life.  Just in case, on my way to work, I called to check on Mom.  Aunt Robin was still there helping, but was going to have to leave soon and Mom was still hanging on.  So I worked and it kept me busy.  Another night that evening where I hardly slept.  I was waiting for Mom to spiritually come and say "good-bye" that night, but she didn't.  Morning came, Rory always wakes up so early, he was in the living room with Justin and I was getting another 30 minutes of sleep and my phone rang, it was Elisabeth, this is it.  She called to tell me that I should probably come back "home" that Mom's breathing has changed and Robin thought she was close.  Had somebody asked me months before what I thought my reaction would be to such a call, I'd say that I probably would freak out and drive a thousand miles per hour to get there.  For some reason, though, I felt calmness.  Dad reminded me to drive safe and not to speed.  I had a lot to get together so I sent Gwenyth to school, it was her 2nd to last day.  I sent her with a note that she was only going to be there for half a day and that she'd miss her last day of the 2nd grade because her Grandma was ill so she had to bring everything home that day.  I got all of our bags packed, showered and dressed, Rory bathed and dressed, we picked up Gwenyth and safely drove up north.

Mom's body was deteriorating, her breathing was more rattled and irregular, she didn't even open her eyes.  We talked to her, held her hand, told her that we're all going to be fine that she didn't have be strong for us anymore and it was okay to go when she's ready.  Elisabeth's cell phone was taped to the side rail of the bed and FaceTime was constantly on so that Bernadette who had gone back to Germany after Memorial Day weekend, could be next to Mom with us as well.  These were those moments where we gathered around her and prayed.  The Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be.

While sitting next to Mom I decided that I was going to head into the kitchen to do something...maybe cook, I don't remember for sure.  Without hesitation, as I stood up saying that I was going to the kitchen, as natural as any other day I said, "Alright Mamma, gimme kiss."  Mom puckered her lips.  My eyes tripled in size and I grabbed that kiss from Mom and thanked her for it.  That was the very last kiss  from my Mom to me.  I had more to give to her.

Bernadette was having a hard time so many thousands of mile away.  She wanted to fly home, but risked not being "there" without having internet connection for FaceTime during travel time.  I went to bed that night ready to be woken up by Dad to tell me she had gone, but I woke up the next morning instead.  It was quiet so I was ready to hear the news, but to my surprise, Mom was still with us, hanging on.  I checked my email and in the very early morning hours, received Bernadette's flight itinerary, her and Arthur were on their way.

Aunt Robin had to leave, she had stayed for as long as she could, but had to get back to her home and work.  I can't say enough how awesome my Aunt Robin is.  She has been amazing to our family, to the Steele family in times of need as she also cared for my Grandpa Wally in his final moments.  She is so strong, her strength and knowledge and love for my Mom will never be forgotten.

Dad didn't leave Mom's side very much at all.  He took over taking care of her.  At this point in the process we would gently position her arms and legs comfortably, kept her mouth hydrated with the pink sponges, and care for her with love.  Mom stayed consistent throughout the day, we had told her that Bernadette was on her way so we figured that she was going to wait for her to arrive.

Bernadette arrived, she was worried that she was gone, but she wasn't, she waited for her oldest.  We all gathered around.  She had us all, we prayed, said good-byes, confirmed that we'd be okay, that we'd take care of Dad.  Then we waited.

In the middle of the night, Elisabeth came and got me, Mom's breathing changed again.  We sat with her for quite some time and she wasn't ready.  I went back to sleep and so did the rest, but probably not Dad.

The next morning, June 7th, Elisabeth brought the kids to swimming lessons and decided to go to Brainerd to give Mom her space, to take a break of her own.  It was me, Bernadette, our baby boys, Dad, and Mom in the house.  It was Rory's nap time and I decided to join him, I was so tired.  I only had about an hour or so because I had to pick up the kids from swimming lessons, but it felt great.

I had a dream, it was that dream that I was waiting for, but didn't understand it completely until a time later.  In my dream I was having a dream.  The dream in the dream was that I went into Mom's room and the bed was empty, she was gone, I ran out of the room to get my sisters and I woke up from the dream's dream, but was still dreaming.  The realization that I had in my dream was that Mom sent me a message that she was gone, so, still in my dream, I got up and went to the bedroom and Mom was in her bed.  She was wearing red, her eyes were bright again and Mom smiled at me.  She got out of the bed and danced so beautifully.  She danced, like a ballerina.  I tried to talk to her, "Mom, I didn't know you could dance like that.  Did you always know how to dance like that?"  She did not reply she kept dancing and she got further away from me.  I grabbed my iPhone (still in my dream) to record her because I wanted to share with Dad and my sisters, but in real life my phone wasn't working very well and in my dream, I couldn't get it to work either and before she danced so far away that I didn't see her any more.  I woke up back in real time and Rory woke up too.  I carefully walked into Mom's bedroom (for what felt like the 3rd time in just moments because of the dream and the dream's dream) and she was there, shallow breathing, still with us.  I got dressed and ready to pick up the older kids from swimming lessons, Bernadette was on baby duty and Dad made sure that I gave mom a hug and kiss good-bye.  He knew she was getting closer to her moment.

I drove into town, Elisabeth was still gone, Bernadette was in the living room on baby duty, Dad was with Mom.  While waiting for the bus bringing the kids back, a couple friends asked how things were going and I told them that my Mom's a tough cookie, she has a strong body and she was still holding on.

The kids and I were talking on the way home, they had lots of stories to tell about their day.  I drove up the driveway and when I put the van in park, the moment was silent enough for me to hear the music that was on, I realized as I was turning off the ignition that it was ABBA.  One of Mom's favorite movies was Mamma Mia, a story that incorporates all ABBA songs.  I was helping Sonora out of the van and Bernadette stepped outside with Rory and Arthur, in tears.  It all made sense, the dream, the song, symbolic good-bye.  She was gone.  She waited for us all to be there, but the private person that Mom was, she didn't want to do it in front of her daughters.  We were all in our busiest moments and she was with her husband of 3-days shy of 40 years.  She knew what she was doing.  She knew what she was doing the whole entire time.

June 7th, one year ago today, the sun was shining, the cardinals were chirping, the butterflies were fluttering, the world was turning.  It was my Grandma Ruby's birthday (Mom's Mom), and Grandma got the absolute best gift in Heaven that day.  My Mommy.............................

Joan Kathryn Steele, irreplaceable, missed, loved, never forgotten.

Weekend #5....by the book.

Weekend #5, June first to the third.

Aunt Robin who is a nurse came to the house to help with Mom as she progressively got worse.  She volunteered to assist once we got nearer to the end, to try and keep Mom as comfortable as we could.  This weekend....was about that time and Robin's presence affirmed that.

The hospice guide booklet states that for most dying persons, activities decrease significantly in the final days and hours of life.  They speak and move less, may not respond, and show little interest in their surroundings.  They have little, if any, desire to eat or drink. (www.hospicefoundation.org)

Mom stopped doing everything.  She was no longer sitting up and writing cards, no longer talking about the wedding, no longer having conversation.  She stayed in bed and did a lot of sleeping.  She would look at us when we talked, but didn't say anything back.  This time produced the hardest memories where my heart breaks because the conversations were over, I would have no more of our Mom-talks.  Also because the mood shifted where saying final goodbyes now became appropriate.  Not just my pain in my heart, but my pain for Mom and seeing her pain was difficult.  Hearing her calling for her parents, as she did when she was a child, "Mom? Daddy?"  Seeing her physical discomfort and wanting to take it away for her.  It hurt her to be moved so this was the last time that we changed her shirt and did the daily routine of changing sheets, etc.  The sound of her breathing had a slight rattle, I remember this sound when my Grandma Ruby was ill and before she passed.  We all were prepared that this was the real beginning of the end.  The book says that this process can last for weeks, days or hours.

Mom wasn't quite there yet, she was able to eat ice-cream or sherbert, but we had to feed it to her.  She loved the taste and would say, "Mmmmmmmmm, yummy yummy yummy!"  This put a smile on my face as I fed Mom because it felt so good to give her this satisfying moment.  I know very well that glorious feeling on my tongue when having a yummy bowl of ice-cream as well, Mmmmmmm.

"As death draws near, the signs may worsen.  Your loved one may experience a burst of energy, during which she might even want to talk to loved ones or eat a meal.  Sometimes, people are conscious for a long time, and death comes suddenly.  Other times, people may be unconscious and slowly slip away." (takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/conditions/end-life-and-hospice-care)

Later in the weekend the signs did worsen right in front of me.  She hadn't changed so much while I was there in the previous weekends.  I was alone in the bedroom with Mom and held her hand.  I started saying anything else that I knew I had to tell her.  I poured my heart to her and told her that I was afraid for her, that I loved her so much, that I am so thankful for having her in my life, and so much more.  Mom looked at me with cloudy sad, sick eyes and I paused and asked, "you don't like hearing talk like this, do you Mamma?" She nodded her head "no" and if she had had enough moisture, I believe she would have had a tear in her eye.  I apologized and told her that I just had to make sure she knew how much I enormously loved her that I love her so so so so much.  I told her that I didn't like it either, that I was scared, and I didn't want to have any regrets or forget to say anything to her before I couldn't ever again.  Then I cried and snuggled up as close to her as I could get.

Later, a family member and good friend, Kathy Tramm, came to visit Mom with a beautiful vase of red flowers.  Kathy was battling breast cancer and was one of the few people that Mom spent time with.   They would go to the casino together or drink coffee together and talk.  The whole day Mom was silent, nothing more than the head nod was all I had gotten.  I was sitting next to Mom, holding her hand and Kathy walked into the room with those flowers and Mom opened her eyes, smiled big as can be and exclaimed a warm welcome to Kathy.  I can't remember exactly what she said because I was so caught off guard that Mom even talked, when I didn't think she could anymore!  She said something like, "now THERE'S a fun woman!"  I left Mom to Kathy and they had a wonderful time together.  This was Mom's burst of energy.  ...and yet another lesson.  Kathy and Mom may have gotten in deep conversations, we don't know, that's for them to share, but mostly it was all positive talk, again, what Mom thrived on, what Mom taught us and it was only right that her burst of energy came in that positive and beautiful moment between long-time friends.  I thank Kathy for her visit that day.  We all loved seeing Mom in that moment after she had been so distant.  This will never be forgotten and we pray for Kathy today as she continues to recover in her own battle.

Outside Mom's window were beautiful flowering shrubs and lilacs and an unforgettable butterfly.  There were butterflies all over outside, but there was one particular one that seemed to keep visiting.  These signs and symbols that surrounded Mom brought us all some peace in this difficult and scary time.

The weekend's goal was to keep her comfortable, was to just love her up in these final moments.  The weekend came to an end and Mom was still with us.  I debated if I should go back this time, I didn't want to miss it, but after the burst of energy, I was confused.  Do we still have a week?  Wait, the book says 24 hours?  Or will it be tonight?  While Mom was spot on with the signs that the book described, the book doesn't give us the exact day, I was so unsure.  I left every weekend feeling satisfied that Mom knew and understood my love for her, she knew that she had my support and I thanked her for all of her.  I chose to leave on Sunday with the plan that Elisabeth would call me when Mom started showing the signs (as described in the book) of the end.