Never Forget

I started writing out of anger in July and well, I was angry at someone else who wrote out of anger (as well as a little inherited insanity) I didn't want negativity to drive me....so I figured that it would be better to step back and take a few breaths before continuing.  I'm back now.  Excited to share what's in my mind...what's in my heart.

It feels like my mind is stuck.  It's stuck on those last weeks, days, hours, breaths.  I have so many happy memories of Mom and yet I've been stuck on thinking about the end.  I think perhaps that since those moments were so precious, that I'm afraid that I'll forget them and so I continue to run them through my mind over and over and over.  I promised to take you on a journey.  I don't want to ever forget this path and I want my mind to be free to remember the better days and so I'm ready to take you on that journey.

Weekend #1 May 4th, 5th, and 6th.

hos·pice  (hsps)

n.

1. A shelter or lodging for travelers, pilgrims, foundlings, or the destitute, especially one maintained by a monastic order.

2. A program that provides palliative care and attends to the emotional and spiritual needs of terminally ill patients at an inpatient facility or at the patient's home.

---

[French, from Old French, from Latin hospitium, hospitality, from hospes, hospit-, host; see ghos-ti- in Indo-European roots.]

(from www.thefreedictionary.com)

Chemo wasn't working anymore and Mom had been feeling pretty yucky for a few weeks.  This was the first weekend that I headed up north to visit Mom after she chose to stop her chemo care and hospice was brought into the home.  Nobody knew how long this would last, this...hospice.  We didn't know how it all worked and nobody could tell us because as it turns out, there are no textbooks that the weak body has to follow as it nears it's departure from this physical Earth.  This is similar to what I tell my patients in my line of work that every pregnancy is different and that the fetus doesn't have a set of rules that it follows.  The human body has it's own individual way of entering and exiting...

Mom was sleepy, but just about the same as she had been.  The weekend was kind of typical, kids running around 'n' all.  Our conversations were different in topic where we talked about how we wanted to prepare for what was to come.  There's a little book given to families when their loved one enters hospice and there are lists and suggestions of things to prepare so that we don't have to do it all last minute.  But Mom was the same as the last time I saw her.....do we have to start this now???  We hadn't talked like this at all, remember, because it wasn't what Mom wished so it was kind of uncomfortable at first and I almost felt like I was a little kid doing something wrong.  I remember that the countertop was full of new meds, quite a few of them.  All of those orange bottles were kind of scary...yup, I was scared for her.  I was scared for me, for Elisabeth, for Bernadette, for Dad, for Mom.

The whole weekend I was wondering when I was going to break the silence about "it" to Mom.  It had been over a year and now and here I find myself preparing the strength and the bravery to go ahead and say so many things to her that I had been wanting to say since Bernadette called me that Spring day.

(I answered the phone and Bernadette asked me where Gwenyth was and if I could move to a room where she wasn't.  I was hoping that it was about a fun secret, a surprise even, I was very curious and told Bernadette that it was fine, just tell me.  Then what she said next is quite foggy in my mind...it wasn't much more than Mom, doctor, and medical imaging and I was screaming "No No No! Mommy!" as I fell to the floor in tears.  I was mad, I was sad, I was scared all at once over and over again.)

Friday and Saturday had passed, it was Sunday and I still hadn't spoke a word of what was going on with Mom's body to Mom herself.  I was so nervous at how she was going to respond.  Would she be mad at me?  Would she cry?  I had to do it, though...what if this is my only chance?  I packed up the car, the kids were fed and we were ready to hit the road.  It was the first time, but wasn't going to be the last time that I was scared to leave and I dragged out my farewell for quite some time, stalling our departure.  I waited until I was giving hugs and kisses 'bye for the weekend and for the first time since her diagnosis, I cried in front of Mom.  "Oh sweetie," Mom said, I can still hear her voice in my head.  Well, silly me for being so scared and unsure...she responded just as Mom always responded when I cried over anything and that's with a warm hug, love, and support.  I sat with her in her bed and she hugged me as I cried on her shoulder. She said that she was a little scared too, but that everything would be okay.  She gave me a good Mom-lesson talk.  These are the talks that she gave to me as I was growing up and as an adult.  Sometimes I welcomed them and sometimes I didn't want to hear it...this one I was very grateful for.  She told me that I have a beautiful family and to live healthy, to teach good habits to the kids.  Sheesh, I thought, this is a tough way to teach me and my family this lesson.  I wished it wasn't so.

Tears fell for a bit and finally, I had the nerve to speak up myself and I told my Mom the most important message that I had for her; I told her that it doesn't matter to me what made her sick, I love her always, with all of my heart, no matter what, I love her always.  I had quite a bit more to my message than just those words; that I was sorry about her diagnosis, that I didn't want her to feel guilty or embarrassed, that I respect her and that I wish that I could take care of her as she's taken care of me.......it didn't go as smoothly as I had envisioned in my head all weekend, but I got the most important part out.  It was the best feeling in the world to let my Mom know how much I loved her and that although it had been an emotional rollercoaster, through it all and when it comes down to it, I did not judge her, I only loved her.

If it sounds like I'm bragging about how I handled that Sunday afternoon, I am.  To let go of judgement and to just love feels absolutely amazing...I feel free, like a soaring bird.  I'm also bragging that my Mom was awesome in that moment.  She was scared, she was sad, and she still upheld her title as Mom.

So we took off that day.  I did it and I loved her more.  

The need to write...

June 2012 was quite the month.  I had the most unbelievable wedding and it was so beautiful and I'm so in love with my husband.  Everything went perfectly.  I'm so excited to move forward in my marriage and for our family to continue to grow (that's not a hint that we're expecting, we're not).  I'm just excited for our today and for our future.

Every single day, though, I remember and think of my Mom.  June 7, 2012 which was my Grandmother's birthday, Mom passed.  She danced away wearing red in my dream just moments before.  I miss my Mommy so much.  It's been since her funeral that I've cried a good cry...until right now.  I look at her picture every day....I call the house so that I can hear her voice on the voicemail.  And she was truly the best.  I hadn't blogged about Mom's illness because I was respecting her wishes and the way that she chose to fight her battle.  Mom was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer in March or April of 2011.  The cancer had metastasized to other organs and Mom chose to treat the cancer with chemotherapy, which was her only option.  She also chose to battle the illness with a positive attitude, some would call it denial, but it was something else so much more, it was a something that I don't know if I can describe, but Mom taught it to me from that Spring until the very last day this June.  You see, I thought that we should have talked more openly about the cancer, but we hardly, if ever, spoke a word of it.  Mom taught me that life is more enjoyable when you can go to the grocery store in your hometown and live life as usual, that life is more enjoyable when you celebrate holidays in the moment and as usual, that life is more enjoyable when we go fishing, out to eat, to a concert, and live life w/out negativity.  That's how she did it and she had doctor appointments on certain days of the week, sure......but her time outside of the doctor was happiness and life that she continued to live.  ...and live she did!!  She fought the battle and survived for over a year to see Rory be born and to see Arthur be born and to help me dress shop for my wedding and to travel to Germany and to make many more pies and many more spaghetti dinners and I love her even more for that.  My Mom was the best woman in my life.

I've experienced losing someone before, Grandparents, friends, special pets...but nobody so close.  It pretty much ...sucks.  In the most crappiest moment in life, my Mom pulled through for me.  No matter where she was in her journey to heaven, she pulled through for me.  As a person's health deteriorates, they change.  My Mom went through those changes.  I visited every weekend and I had 3-day weekends so it was nice.  Each visit was different.  My visits and moments with my Mom are all a blessing in each their own.  I am going to share my journey in my upcoming blogs.  For me, for you, and mostly for my Mom.  I love and miss my Mom with all of my heart.  I wish that my next visit home, I'd see her like always..........I wish...............

My heart is broken and yet so full.  This is how it feels.

January, February, March!

Oh my, where does the time go???  I should probably blog more often to be considered an actual blogger.  There have been so many things going on and I've been so busy with planning.......OUR WEDDING!  We are so excited.  Less than 3 months away, June 16th is when the big day will be.  I'm so excited to have a ton of fun, dance, and for a super special day all in celebration of the love between me and Justin.  Oh my gosh how exciting is this??!!!  ...and at the same time it's kinda weird to think that after 32 years (not 32 yet, but soon) I'll be changing my last name, I'm going to be a new family member to all of Justin's aunts and uncles and cousins....and he will be a new family member to mine.  I'll be.....gulp....married.  For quite a long time I was so okay with being single then our years together I was good with this companionship where we co-lived, yet we were individuals.  And soon, we'll be so much more, we'll be one!  Is it always this much of a rush of feelings?  The excitement, the anxiety, the rush of love, the nervousness, the experience, the awkwardness, the freaking out in hopes that it'll be perfect, I love it all......I love the crazy feelings, the fluttering in my heart, the certainty of it all and most of all, I love Justin so much!  Ahhhhh, so pumped!

Who knew that planning a wedding meant that there's not a day that goes by that you don't think of it until the day of.  On top of all of that thinking...life still goes on.  My job is going good.  It's not perfect, but is there any perfect job?  I love what I do, there's no denying that, I just wish that I could deliver it my way vs the assembly line way.......touché.  There's been a change (for the good) that my schedule is changing to four 10s and I'll have every Friday off.  A 3-day weekend every weekend, save money on daycare, save money on gas, but my most favorite part...and extra day with my Rory and Gwenyth!

Rory and Gwenyth.  Rory isn't the type of infant that gets around by rolling across the floor from point A to point B like Gwenyth did.  He does get his way around, though...he spins around and pushes and pulls.  It's fun to watch him grow...and grow he is doing!  He eats 3 meals a day plus his milkies, he talks and talks, he observes and explores and he LOVES LOVES LOVES his sister!  Gwenyth is the most amazing big sister that Rory could ever wish for.  She plays with him and she makes him laugh, she'll even change a diaper (she thinks it's fun).  Gwenyth is also doing amazing in school.  For "I Love to Read" month she won 2 parts of a competition that they had in school which was the girl that read the most books and the girl with the most points (for the quizzes that they take after reading).  She was glowing when she came home with her awards.  Not even a week later she came home with another award for being Star Student in the 2nd grade for PhyEd.  I love seeing her succeed, it's the best feeling in the world to see your child happy.

So we've been busy, we've been good.  In the past 3 months, there have been times of laughter, tears, frustration, joy....just as any family may go through.  And here's to future months of changes and planning and successes to report (next time not 3 months later).

Christmas

It was a lovely holiday season for the Steele-Buhl family.  First we had a Justin Birthday/Christmas dinner with Justin's Mom and step-Dad, Sister and her hubby, and Brother here in Woodbury.  It was a nice evening out and the kids were spoiled and loved up by John and Jean with wonderful books and toys and goodies that both the kids love.

Christmas Eve we had Justin to ourselves, he bribed a local high school kid to take over his shift.  So we geared up and drove up north to spend the day/evening with my parents and my sister and her kids.  We had our traditional Swedish dinner with Aunt Diane and Uncle Tom, Cousin Nico and Maya and Matthew.  Justin tried lutefisk for his first........and maybe only time and he also learned how to play the card game, "May I".

Christmas morning Santa had come, we celebrated Jesus' Birthday at church then packed back up and traveled to St. Cloud to enjoy Christmas day with Justin's Dad and his side of the family.

Rory danced around the Christmas tree in his Daddy's arms and with Great Grandma by their side.  Her Danish family tradition.  The kids had a great time.

We loved having the chance to see all of our family and it was a great 1st Christmas for Rory with lots of memories saved in pictures.

Christmas and Tradition

So we're all moved into our new home in Woodbury...there are a couple more boxes to go through, but for the most part, we are functioning.  The home is nice.  Not our favorite apartment...it's cheaply built, not sound proof at all, and it's chilly (questionable if the closet with an outside wall is even insulated - brrrrrr, we keep that door shut).  We're here for a year, at least, so we might as well make the best of it!  So I decorated a bit for Christmas.  To be quite honest, I don't have many shelves or a curio or things like that for Christmas knick knacks and I hate to put too many holes in the walls.  Some day, I'll decorate more, but for now the tree and the stockings are kind of my thing, plus...less to clean up at the end of the holiday season.  Though few, my decorations are special and the stockings follow a tradition.  Isn't that what Christmas is good for??  Tradition.  There are quite a few Christmas traditions that I've experienced, some have dwindled away (sadly), some are new (Justin's "Buhl" family dances around the Christmas tree while singing Christmas songs, a Danish tradition.  Fun!  I just wish the family was a tad bit bigger so we wouldn't get so dizzy...lol), some traditions aren't my favorite such as lutefisk and potato sausage (sorry Aunt Diane), but some will stick every Christmas and one of those is hanging our homemade felt stockings.  Mine was made 31 years ago by my Grandma Ruby.  She made them for her daughters, her daughter's husbands, and all of her grandchildren.  When Gwenyth was born, I made one for her on her first Christmas.  This year I got the materials to make Rory his stocking and realized that Justin was going to be left out so I made one for him as well.  I hung mine, Gwenyth's and Rory's and left a blank spot where Justin's stocking belonged for a day then I just couldn't wait until his birthday (the 19th) to surprise him that I made one for him as well.  He was so genuinely happy to see that our whole family had matching stockings!  By continuing my Grandma's crafty tradition, we've begun our own.  To top it off, they're functional and perfect for Santa's lil' surprises.  I make every stocking unique, but everyone has at least one matching decoration, a deer, a tree, a candle stick, bells, or perhaps a gingerbread boy.  I looked at my Mom and Dad's stockings to help with ideas of what and how to decorate and this year, this time, looking at Mom's stocking was a little sad.  64 years that stocking has had gifts of love stuffed in there.  I wonder...  Which makes the tradition ever more special in my heart, something that will last our whole lives and even after, our stockings will hang.  Our Christmas, tradition.

...and I am thankful.

This picture is the first picture of all four of us since Rory was born.  We've been so busy that fancy family pictures haven't even gotten on our to-do list.  That is all four of us celebrating Thanksgiving together.  We had a few hours to eat and enjoy the holiday before the retail world separated us as many of the retailers opted to open for the black friday shoppers at absurd hours (in my opinion).  In light of the annoyance, I got my family picture, we actually got a few, for this, I'm thankful.

Well...It's been over two months since my last blog.  I wanted to keep up with it more, but for all the reasons that I haven't, I'm thankful for (excluding the tough stuff).  Summed up, I started a new part time job less than 3 weeks after having Rory (against doctor's orders) and I was commuting from St. Cloud to Woodbury two days a week.  Justin stayed working in St. Cloud until just last Friday where he transfered to the Oakdale Best Buy.  Our lease is up in a few days and we have a new home picked out in Woodbury, the move is exhausting as I've been packing while Justin is working crazy hours over the holiday season on top of being so far away...not to mention before black friday week he was out of state for 4 days, thus not much Justin to help out which has been a bummer.  A couple of weeks ago I was questioning whether my part time job was going to be a permanent fit for me and me for them as the welcoming committee wasn't showing me much promise so as a plan "B" option I checked out what jobs were out there and applied for all of them.  To my pleasure I was invited for two interviews out of the four jobs that I applied for and to make a long story short, I only had to attend one of the interviews because I was offered a full time job after the first meeting with Fairview's Women's Clinic in Minneapolis.  So after this post, I have one more day at the part time job, the move, set up daycare for Rory and school for Gwenyth, and then start (again) a new job!  So you can see, I've (we've) been busy...and all of these things that have kept me busy, I am thankful for.  It's been two years since I've had a permanent full time job I'm overjoyed and thankful to have this opportunity; I am also thankful for the part time position that I was at for a short time as that stepping stone is what I needed to get to full time; I'm thankful that Justin was able to transfer and have a job as well; I'm thankful that we've found a home in the cities and closer to our new jobs; I'm thankful for our friends and family that has been supportive and helpful in our time of transition; I'm thankful for my fiance, my daughter, my son.; I'm thankful for my Mom and Dad; I'm thankful for my sisters and their families; ...and so much more...

I guess there are a lot of things that one can complain about, I know that I've had a few things driving me crazy recently, but looking at the whole picture and in light of Thanksgiving, I truly am so lucky and thankful.  Soon we'll be moved, we'll have new schedules, and I'll be sure to add time to keep up on my blog so that there are no more 2 month breaks.  For the future, I'm thankful.

Gwenyth is 7!

Happy Birthday to my.......7-YEAR-OLD???!!!  Wow!  Gwenyth turned 7 on September 2nd.  We had a party for her here at the apartment, in the community room and the swimming pool.  The kids loved it, it was perfect for a big group and quite the big group we had.  Thanks to my sister and her help otherwise I don't think that I would have fed everyone.  Next time....3 friends stay the night and the family party will be pot luck.  It was easy to do the years before, but with a newborn, hosting a party is quite the task.  Lesson learned.  But for Gwenyth, I'd do anything.  She really is such a nice girl, such character, so happy, so fun, and definitely getting older.  Gosh I love her so much!

So, 7 years...I've been a Mom for that long?  I think back to that day, in surgery (c-section) and when my sister came in the room to join me, I knew that it wasn't much longer before Gwenyth would be here.  I know that I thought for a moment that I wasn't ready to be a Mom and I wanted to change my mind, but they weren't going to sew me back up and wait another day at that point, so I didn't ask them to do so, I can't believe that I even considered saying it out loud.  Well as quickly as the thought came into my head it left and it was time, they had one more layer to go through, they saw her dark curls and they prompted my sister to stand up to watch....and I heard her....and I was a Mom!  I don't remember all of her birthdays with such detail, but that one, I'll never forget.  We've been on quite the journey together, her and I, these last 7 years.  I know I wasn't perfect.  I know I'm still not perfect.  For 7 years I've been that happiest that I've ever been, in good times and bad, being a Mom has been the best thing.....ever.

Shortly after her 7th Birthday, it was time to send Gwenyth to the 2nd grade.  The summer took so long, being pregnant 'n' all, but after August 8th, the time flew and I didn't even know if we were prepared for the first day, but somehow we were, I mean, we must have been because she had everything she needed and it's all been working out since then.  Gwenyth has jumped right back into math and reading.  She enjoys gym class and seeing all of her friends again as well as meeting some new ones!  I'm so proud of her, she truly is absolutely wonderful!!