"You'll always be my baby."
Weekend #2 May 11, 12, and 13th including Mother's Day. Mom said to me, "You'll always be my baby." All the other times she said or treated me this way, I was 7, 13, 19, 21, 24 yrs-old and before after and in between....and all of those other times I was ready to be considered something, anything, other than the baby. This time, I loved hearing it.
I don't remember much of that weekend. I've gone and waited too long to continue the journey like I had planned. I've been tired. Today I checked the results of my blood work for thyroid function and from 4 months ago to today, I've gone from normal to now diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Well, that makes sense as I'm symptomatic (you can google if you don't already know). Not that I'm glad that like my Mom and sisters, my endocrine system is putzy, but I am glad to know that there's been a good reason for everything else going on and meds can help. Anyways...I took notes to help me remember as little things came to mind. "You'll always be my baby," though, I didn't need a note for that. I'll never forget that.
What I do remember is that we were all there; Bernadette, John, Elisabeth, Shawn, me, Dad and all of the kids...Justin was able to visit too, but for a short time as he had to work. Changes were happening and faster than what I had expected. It was nice to see that Mom stopped wearing her wig and went al natural, well almost, cousin Nico added a little color. She had soft baby hair that had grown back since the chemo, not as thick and healthy as she had, but it was more comfortable to be without a wig or cap and we wanted her to be comfortable. She was thinning out, but still looked like herself. It was beginning to become more difficult for Mom to get around and medical equipment started coming into the house. Mom was a little less herself with being on meds (so many meds in this process) and well...going through those changes that the body does in such a situation. Things were set up like in a clinic, like a nurses station. With Elisabeth in control of the care-giving, you know that it was organized and done, as Dad says, "proper." I took lots of pictures that weekend of Mom and the kids and with us girls and with Dad and the babies and cousins together. We cooked an amazing noon dinner on Sunday, including mashed potatoes and gravy (of course). This was the last dinner that I got to sit at the table and eat with Mom.
That time of my visit had come, the end of the weekend, the farewell that I dreaded. She was so sure that we'd see each other again and I was not. I said, "I'll see you next weekend, right?" She responded in surprised tone in that I was going to visit again, after two weekends in a row. It was during our goodbyes and I couldn't help but to drag it out as I had the previous weekend and then I cried. I was so afraid to leave this time because there had been so many changes and I was afraid...so afraid. I was afraid that this goodbye would be the last. Again, my tears were met with Mom's warm hug, oh she made you feel so good with her hugs, sincere and loving hugs. I wished her a Happy Mother's Day and she said, "You'll always be my baby." In that moment those words traveled through me so differently than ever before. I was so glad that I was her baby. I wanted to be her baby. From that moment through the end and in many moments since, I've longed to be her newborn, her 7, 13, 19, 21, 24.......yr-old baby. For so long I tried to escape being the baby and now it's all I want. Any baby of hers as long as I can be in her arms again.
